My thanksgiving was just a cozy little time with the kids. We made a really simple dinner and enjoyed the comforts that God had supplied in this place. It was all going so nice but then I was taken back by something that I didn’t anticipate.
Have you ever buried something unspeakably painful? That is what happened. Someone from my past found me and I wasn’t expecting to go through some of the pain that I did.
When I first started to flow in my prophetic gift and live a life of fluid faith, I lost more people in my life than I can even think of. I grew up with several family members who were blinded to faith and the gifts of the Spirit.
They all knew their scripture but they never once lived it or believed it…except for calling out everyone’s flaws lol. I also lost nearly every friend of my past once it was evident that I was not normal. Although I was in the world, I was not part of it.
People criticized me and judged me while posing as Facebook “friends” ha. In order for me to overcome the intimidation and grow, I needed to get smaller. So I deleted almost everyone that I knew that was not sincerely accepting of me with an open heart. I went from almost 4500 friends to only 500. I knew I needed to downsize to start stepping beyond the fears of being who I am.
I hate fakeness and one of my pet peeves is when people pretend to like someone or be friends and then go off and gossip about them to others. So I decided that my Facebook would be full of people who sincerely cared and wanted to be friends, not just haters in disguise.
Once I started showing the colors of my faith, I lost every soul in my life, except for some of you who have been the only family that I could experience genuine love and compassion.
I told myself that God was my Best Friend. I moved forward by recognizing that God and you (who have received me) are my families. Stepping back in that way from all of those haters gave me the courage to start spreading my wings into my true destiny. Eventually, I will open myself back up and allow God’s love to pour out of my life with full abandon. It was a process for me.
On Thanksgiving, one of my cousins located me and said that he had been looking all over to find me online (I used a different last name than my legal one). He also told me how much all of those past people talked about me and hated me and said I “claimed to be a prophet”.
I thought I was healed from all of that rejection, but it still hurt more than I was ready for. I realized how much my life has been like Moses. Like Moses, I was adopted and then placed in the care of people who were not my own.
I have been processing another level of forgiveness and releasing my offenses from those who pushed me off the cliff and didn’t even care if my children or I died or lived. I have been bleeding over that wound internally and I didn’t even know it.
I didn’t exactly step into this journey as some faith champion. I was pushed off the ledge by those who were supposed to always love me. I had no where to go and no money. I was in a different state than what I have always known, where nothing was familiar.
It hurts so much that they pushed me towards death—me and my kids. I am not even sure how to ever get through loving them the same again. The moment I experienced that attempted murder, I said to myself, “they are no longer my people”. I belong to Jesus.
When I was sobbing and crying myself to sleep, God met me in my dreams. He told me where to go and what to do. I met God and I heard His voice over and over again. He showed up to save me when I had no one in the world.
More importantly, He saved my kids. He gave us comfort and love. He said, “I will be your home”. Because home is more of a feeling of comfort and security than anything else. From that moment forward, I laid my life in His hands. He was the One who loved me when no one else did.
I could have been completely destroyed and my kids could have suffered severely, had God not been there to save us. I was in a hotel with no income and no one to call for help. I was more scared than I could ever express. I don’t think anyone really gets how miraculous it was.
That moment in time was when I separated myself from those of my past and I became “weird” in their eyes. I am weird though, really weird. If you guys saw the kinds of memes I share with my oldest daughter or the strange crazy way I really act, you’d probably be so surprised.
I compressed myself to be loved and to fit in. I tried to be perfect because I didn’t know how else to achieve love from people and that was a big mistake. But their rejection forced me to flourish towards who I really am.
I can feel the moment when Moses was isolated in the wilderness and found himself with none of the people who once loved him, I can feel that pain in the depths of my core. But also, Moses encountered God in the wilderness and God became his true friend.
Being pushed away by absolutely everyone pushed me right into the arms of God. I was rescued to be abused and then after that, I was rescued again…I learned the intimate love of God.
I am honestly okay with just being with God most of the time because that is where I am safe. But I cannot go another moment without telling you how thankful I am for your love and acceptance too. When you met me with kindness, it gave me hope for people to be in my life again. I cannot even think of you without joyous tears rolling down my cheeks.
You loved me like God and you became a family when I was cast out. You became my friends when I had none. You helped me. You served God through your generous love and through your help, I was saved from being homeless for all of this time.
I cannot look at my kids without tears streaming from my eyes because I am so thankful for God’s love and for you. I don’t even think you realize the impact that your unconditional love has had on me.
Even though I have often stayed buried in God’s presence, if it were not for His love pouring from your service and help, I would have crashed really hard and I wouldn’t be able to look at my kids without feeling ashamed.
I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping us. I am sincerely grateful for your honor to God with your love and kindness. I also am so overwhelmed with thankfulness that you have encouraged me to step out into my calling and embrace my destiny.
I went through a time when I had entire religious groups trying to shame me and persecute me. I was so broken and utterly alone. There was an entire church that spread lies that I was so evil. That harsh rejection became my biggest blessing because it caused God to show Himself to me. It pushed my identity to the surface.
For years now I have been really shy about being my true self and allowing myself to completely fall into my position in sharing God’s heart. I tried to hide in order to make those haters happy. I delete my posts all of the time and it takes me so much courage to show myself.
This thanksgiving was a turning point for me. I was created for a time like this to share what God gives to me. To those so-called “friends and family” who mock me and say that I am a self-proclaimed prophet, I say this:
I am a daughter of God and a bride of Christ. I share what He gives me to say as a surrendered conduit of His heart. I know Him more than I know anyone in this whole entire world and I will no longer hide for your comfort. I am not going to feel bad for sharing His heart of hope and love. Please, just look away if it bothers you, but don’t ask me to no longer exist.
I have a new life and I am going to live it to the fullest potential, as I demonstrate my love and gratitude to God for this gift of salvation. No man or woman has the power to decide who I am, because God has already shown me. The truth set me free.
May this new year ahead bring a new level of beauty, confidence, and love. I love you and thank you so much for reflecting the heart of Jesus so lovely. I pray you are blessed beyond your wildest dreams for the love and comforts that you have shared with me and my children. ❤