I have contemplated so much over the past few days. I have been recalling all that God has brought us through this year and with the amazing miracles, there were equal amounts of pain.
It all happened so fast, going from home to home and city to city. There were times when we almost ended up with no place to go and having no money. But then God stepped in, as the Hero to love to save us…again and again and again.
We rode the high waves of having plenty but we also coasted through the low times when everything seemed to go dry. The hardest part of it all was feeling no control. Every single thing was depending on God to show up and honor His words.
It was also frustrating because I had no control over how long it would take until God set us in the comfortable place of abundance that He promised. I would want to cry every time someone asked me if it was over yet and the answer is still, no.
It is not over and I still don’t know where our next meal or room will come from or how it will be paid for. I only know my promise and that is that God will supply all we need through this blog.
It is scary and sometimes I get scared of not being able to please people. Because people have said and expected so many times that this should be over. They say, four years is enough…but I have no control about where God plans this ride to stop.
I feel humiliated and embarrassed that I still walk with this limp and have this need for His help to support us. I get so frustrated that I have often looked into other ways apart from God, but the problem is I cannot let Him go.
I cannot stop relying on His love and living in His words. His vows are etched on my heart and grafted into my soul. Even when I want to have a major tantrum and run away from this, I cannot leave the only one who truly loved me all along.
I have no one but Jesus. I cannot depend on anyone else to always care. So many people have abandoned me through this after they decided that I have gone through this for long enough based on their judgments.
I hate feeling helpless and out of control, but I also cannot imagine not leaning on God’s promise with my whole heart. He is my everything. There were many crises during these past several months and He saved us and protected us.
I remember the worst feeling was being in Detroit. It was my first time there and I was not prepared for what I saw. All of the houses had broken windows and it was so rough looking.
I remember we stayed in a pretty room, but the houses all around us were broken down. There was a steel gate around our home and I had never seen such beat-up streets and houses. There was a gang of people who gathered on the roads and I was so scared that I had everything delivered.
I never left, but I stayed inside, praying and begging God to take us someplace different. One day, I went to explore Belle Island and was captivated by the beauty that was there.
But other than that, I was too uncomfortable to leave the nest. When it was the day before we had to check out, I started to panic because I didn’t have the money to leave yet and I couldn’t drive anywhere or book a new reservation.
I was so scared and I wish that I could transfer how terrifying that moment was to you, just so that you could empathize with the massive amount of fear that I had to face.
It was just me, a helpless mom with 2 kids depending on me. I was praying and crying like crazy and I wept big elephant tears. Finally, at the last minute, a breakthrough came and I received donations to be able to go to a new place and a new city.
Going through situations like that over and over for almost a year was so anguishing. I cannot even think about it without sobbing and I seriously need some time to recover from that level of facing traumatic fears.
Although I was able to see the beauty and care of God come through to be our ever-present need and support, it was terrifying to go through and I cannot forget the absolute pain that I felt.
I am trying to have faith in what is next. It started snowing today and we all need winter coats and boots. I look at the Christmas stuff coming and I start to panic because I want more than anything to give my kids something extra special and real.
I would love more than anything to tell you all that is over and that we made it. I would love to feel that approval from people, and to no longer feel ashamed that I am still walking in utter dependence on this blog–according to my promise and instruction from God.
I need time to heal and I need time to catch my breath. So moving forward, I am just sharing my heart with you so that you can understand where I am. Even though we have been “parked” in a place, for now, that seems like it could last a little while, it is not over.
I don’t have control of Dad’s plans for us and how long they will last. But what I can say is I have seen the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow through His promise and I can assure you that it does end. We do make it. There will be a story to tell with an actual ending.
I pray that you can bless this journey that God has us in and accept His heart for this particular story with love and compassion. I also hope and pray that I will extend that same love and kindness to you.
Thank you for being there when no one else was. You are the most incredible family and I love you so dearly.
Blessings and love,