The place where God has taken us for now is so far out of my comfort zone to pay for. It has stretched my faith and mind in ways that I cannot even begin to describe. It’s scary because it takes a literal miracle every month for us to survive.
It is not the apartment that God promised us, but it is a temporary place where He has been holding us before that happens. It is like going through an Airbnb and we don’t even have a mailbox of our own or a lease.
It’s fully furnished and it feels like we are just borrowing someone else’s home until God brings us to our own. I believe that He brought us to this place in order to wrap up the testimonial book that He has had me write.
The whole theme of the book is from His promise in Ephesians 3:20, Now to the God who can do so many awe-inspiring things, immeasurable things, things greater than we ever could ask or imagine through the power at work in us.
Even though it has been terrifying to trust God to come through at such unbelievable levels, I believe that this has been an important part of the book, as He shows how He has taken a helpless mom with kids to places that were impossible and unattainable by a logical view.
Today marks the last few days that I have left before having to pay my rent and it already feels like the fire has been turned up too hot. My rent is normally due on the 21st, but I have been praying that I could pay it by the 19th (hopefully sooner), before the weekend hits.
I still need so much to pay it and I have not been able to see how it will come. I woke up having panic because the situation is starting to get really scary. I’m really hoping that this experience will be better and less painful than the last time.
The last month, we barely made it. I wasn’t able to pay for the room until the last few seconds on the day it was due. I cried more that day than I have ever cried in a lifetime. It was so scary and at times it felt like God had abandoned His promise to me.
It wasn’t until I felt like I was going to die from heartache and fear, that He finally showed up. It hurt so much to be pressed that far and I am still healing from that memory. I am encouraging myself to have fresh faith and not to judge this time by the agony that came the last time.
Anytime that God waits until the last minute to show up, it is horribly painful for me to endure—just agonizing because of the suspense and emotional suffering.
One of the ways that I prepare myself before going through uncomfortable testing of faith is by removing added weight. In fact, before I get close to having to be pressed again, I am frantic about getting rid of any extra stuff that we don’t need. I stress clean in ways that you wouldn’t believe LOL!
It happens like clockwork every time. Just before I am in a place of desperation and needing God to save us again, I try to get rid of all excess weight. It usually starts with physical things, like taking extra bags to storage.
Yesterday I took several things that I didn’t have to keep to a donation facility. Then when I got home, I realized that I accidentally donated my only pair of shoes LOL (I was wearing my winter snow boots).
After I removed the extra weight physically, I attempted to do it spiritually. I wrote to God and I gave Him all of my fears, needs, and worries. It helped—at least for a little while–until I took them back again. ¯\_( ͡❛ ͜ʖ ͡❛)_/¯
Like a butterfly, in order to fly into something miraculous, I couldn’t be weighed down with burdens. That is the “letting go” part of the process that God has been teaching me to do through all of this.
Once I let go of the weight, I tried to remind myself over and over everything that God promised me. Sometimes I feel like a lady with Alzheimer’s, because I tend to constantly forget when fear of the situation comes, and then I panic about what I will do.
A butterfly actually flies by rotating its wings in a figure 8 motion, which is a continuous line crossing itself. I used a method like that in my mind, as I retraced all of God’s promises to us about this time over and over, like an endless loop repeating itself.
The butterflies wings cut through the air like a knife and that is how he lifts himself. In a similar way, God has been teaching me to focus on hopes coming true and His promises to lift myself back up to a place of confident faith. Hope is what faith is made of.
I feel like this may be the last (or close to the last) financial faith test that I have to endure before finishing this book and finally being able to get a normal-priced apartment that is much more “comfortable” to pay for. I need a whole different kind of miracle for that, but I am sure God has a plan for that one too.
I am trying to stay positive and encourage myself that it is almost over, but I can’t even stop the tears from falling–because I am so tired. I feel like I have used every last drop of energy and faith getting this far and it is taking all I have to get through this.
I hope and pray with all of my heart that God knows and understands and that He will show up with compassionate help, even sooner than planned.
I had to stop at the post office this morning and I saw a card with Belle from Beauty and the Beast on it. The card said, “the next chapter is where it really gets good”. I knew God was telling me that this part is almost over and ending.
Somehow I have to get through this week and I couldn’t even get through the grocery store this morning without even crying. I want to finish this with a beautiful ending and I am begging myself not to fail this time.
I am hoping that I can trust God to honor His words and to show up with the money for our room, just like He promised.
Hopefully, things will turn out better than I expect and we can finally cross over and move on from this.
So far this book of all of the miracles that God did is really, really good. This has been the hardest, most painful, and yet most beautiful experience of my life but I’m ready to begin a new story.
God, help me fly like a butterfly. 🖤