I just finished wrapping up my book that tells the intimate story of God holding us up for the past 4 years. As I read through each memory, it felt as if I was re-living each day. I remembered the anguish of having my face pressed against the bathroom tile with my face full of tears in the tiny hotel room.
I was transported back to our small beginnings in the Florida hotels when I had nobody in the whole world to call for help. I was so scared and yet I had never felt the Lord so close.
I read through the pages of our move to Michigan and how extremely painful those last-minute financial room rescues were. I cried as I remembered and I was in shock when I realized that it was my life bleeding through each and every page of the book.
While I was enduring the scariest moments of my life and having my faith stretched in ways that ripped at my heart, I was forgotten by those who I once knew. People who I used to see before did not notice that I was suffering the way that I was.
While I crying my eyes out for our room money to arrive so many times, my ex moved into 3 beautiful–stunning homes, that were exactly what I dreamed to have. When I was walking up and down the road weeping and crying out to God, other families and friends who I knew before had moved into new homes and enjoyed the delights of living a normal life, as so many people do.
It was my Hosea moment, of being enveloped close to God in the wilderness and encountering His love. But once she has nothing, I’ll be able to get through to her. I’ll entice her and lead her out into the wilderness where we can be alone, and I’ll speak right to her heart and try to win her back. And then I’ll give her back her vineyards; I’ll turn the valley of Achor, that “Valley of Trouble,” into a gateway of hope. Hosea 2:14-15
With each page, I was carried away in my soul as I read through the stories that we endured. I still can’t believe that I endured that much hurt and that I faced so many life-threatening fears. I also still cannot believe that I saw so many miracles bloom time after time.
I came out of writing this book feeling utterly broken—and unbelievably beautiful at the same time. Even though my heart was broken from living through such anguish, I was given the beauty of being cared for by God in ways that are completely priceless. Some people never even realize the ever-present love of God and through my low levels of life, I was hugged by His tangible presence more times than I could recount.
I got to see Him do things before my eyes that many “normal” people who I always admired, would have only dreamed to see for themselves. I used to get so upset that my ex was so easily blessed.
While I was crying so hard that I lost my voice, he was having cookouts and enjoying anything and everything that he could take with his hands. Yet, now I am seeing that I came out of this different than when I arrived.
I got to meet God face to face through the daily encounters of His love. In the book, I am very transparent because that is the way that God said that He wanted me to write it. In His words, it is equivalent to “talking naked” and being completely real with the raw emotions that come when being pressed and living by only faith.
I kind of felt a little guilty spending so much time working on this book, because I am getting really close to needing a miracle to cover the next rent. I don’t know why, but for some reason in my mind, when I have a need I feel like I need to be standing at full attention.
Yet that is not what God taught me. He taught me to fall. He taught me to let go of all worries and trust fall into His love. He knows what I need and He knows how much I hope that it comes early this time too.
I have a promise from God about this book (and many that will come) and so I am praying that it lands into the right hands for publishing. For all of that pain and all of the times that left me feeling completely broken–I believe there will be beauty. After all, that is the promise, beauty for ashes.
Love you much ♡