I’ve been in a fight over the past season because I have not wanted to move forward with the changes that are coming. Like a best friend often does, God has shared with me some of the places where my future leads. The road gets very dark and disturbing in places, but He has given me promises of victory and a beautiful outcome.
It isn’t just little things either. I am talking about walking through some terrifying fears and having to have a humiliating and life-threatening disease exposed so that God can bring a miracle healing through it. I have already gone through so much by living like this for the past few years and my flesh has been having a tantrum about having more yuckiness to endure.
However, I will say that this past time of learning to trust God as my provider has delivered me of so many things and it has been working as a blessing, even though it has been uncomfortable and sometimes painful. I am learning to rest and trust Him with everything.
The promises of the future are beyond beautiful, even more than my most wonderful dreams. But the shadow of darkness just before it has had me in complete dread. It is sort of like the scars of a swan. Some will start out grey, then become an unappealing brown, before entering that sensational pure white.
There are many undesirable things that the adolescent swan must endure before entering into the future of life-long love, beauty, and grace. There comes a certain point when the little swan’s father will reject him and abuse him until he has no other option but to leave and go off on his own.
The world gets cold and lonely before it becomes dreamy at times. That little swan must risk his life and venture through many places of discomfort before he finds the love of his life and enters into his dreams.
It is a rough path at the beginning for a cygnet. Even as a helpless baby, his mother does not feed him, but she forces him to fend for himself. There are many who don’t survive. The cygnet learns to trust God to provide for him from the very beginning.
The baby is familiar with rejection and hardship. But somewhere deep inside, he knows that his future will be framed with beauty and he will forget the horrible way things started.
I have had a very bad attitude about what is ahead and I cried so much today, asking God to let me just stop. The negative bumps in the road ahead for me are not from God, but God has gone ahead of me to show ensure a very beautiful result. The plans of the enemy are death, ugliness, and disease.
But the promises of God are more beautiful than I have ever dreamed. The part is crossing over the waterfall of change. I have been so scared to go through what is coming, even though God has promised that He will fight for me and that He will make His promise tangible before it’s too late.
Fear is such a debilitating thing. As I was crying my heart out to our Heavenly Dad, He gave me a song that I had not listened to since my partying days. It was by Lenny Kravitz, “I belong to you”. There were some lines in that song that pulled at my heart and convicted me to surrender my life afresh to God.
“You lift me from up above. Your unconditional love takes me to paradise. I belong to you and you, you belong to me too. So I put away the fight, now I’m gonna live my life, giving you the most in every way”
After that, the Lord was telling me to lay my life into His hands and to give it to Him as a living sacrifice. Yes, it hurts and I will still have to walk through those things that I dread. A sacrifice to God should not come without a cost. It is like what David said to king Araunah when he was trying to purchase land to build an altar for the Lord,
“No, I will buy these things from you. Name your price. I will not make an offering to the Eternal One, my True God, that has cost me nothing.” 2 Samuel 24:24
Jesus is worthy of the most expensive gifts and we should be willing to lay our lives before Him, even if it means walking through facing fears or moments of temporary discomfort. I am in the process of laying these “swan scars” before God and leaving them there.
I have been upside down in my mindset by looking at the problems, fearful projections, and humiliations ahead, without even noticing the promises of beauty and a new life that He has made for me.
It’s like being born to fly but afraid of heights. Something must bow down. I know for me, the fears will have to bow because I will never let go of this love for my King Jesus. I am stepping through this slowly so that each breath is pure and meaningful. I don’t want to just mouth the words, like so many have (including myself in the past).
I want to count the cost and know what it means to lay my life in His hands. I want to look deep into my heart and settle into the truth of His promises as my truest reality. The fears and problems are just illusions. Only the word of God remains–only love remains.
It is like walking through a haunted house and all of those stupid things jump out at you. But you know that they are not real and they will not touch you. That is all fear is—an illusion.
I believe we are in really good hands when we put our trust in Jesus. I am in that place of surrendering all and knowing the cost of being a living sacrifice to the love of my life before stepping through it.
The scars look ugly and messy now, as you see me walking past these problems. But later when His promises unfold like velvety roses, it will be all be better than a dream come true.
Transformation requires a surrender to the new and that means no longer letting the old (or negative) things affect you. Because even though we can still see the bad things and the problems, they are gone and the beauty that He has promised is what is beautiful and true.
I am kind of writing this to myself tonight and reminding myself to keep my sights on His promise and don’t even worry about the illusions of problems that try to jump out as I float through this river of life. Beauty is the promise and what He is and beauty is all there is.❤️