It is difficult to share this right now because I am moving out of my place of introverted comfort and I am feeling extra vulnerable.
I have also been battling the thoughts that ‘no one cares anyway, so don’t even bother sharing’, which is probably a lie, but still doesn’t help me to be open. It has been causing me to want to hide my more sensitive and honest posts.
I am going to take a little trust and share what God has placed on my heart because God has always encouraged me to be raw and vulnerable through this journey. I may not have the courage to put it on the FB page, but I will trust that God will help this flow out to wherever it needs to go.
For the past several days I have been believing for a miracle to be able to extend and pay for our room. I have been using all of the techniques of walking by faith that the Holy Spirit has taught me, like thinking only from my promises and meditating on His words, etc.
I spent hours activating my faith to visualize the fulfillment of His promise and I walked down memory road to encourage my faith by remembering all of the times He has come through for us before, after all of these years.
This time around, the pressure has been so incredibly intense. It feels like I am drowning and my lungs are on fire. Even though I have tried not to allow myself to think a fearful thought, sometimes they show up and catch me unannounced.
For example, last night. I let myself fall asleep trying to rest in God’s promises. After I started to doze off, it felt like I was abruptly woken up on top of a high building and I was terrified with fear about what would happen.
Our last day here (unless God comes to rescue us) is tomorrow. I have not had enough to extend yet and I have been praying nonstop for God to show up as He promised with what needed to stay longer.
Last night, after I was seized by fear of not being able to stay, I could barely breathe. I was terrified and I started to panic. I kept trying to calm myself like a baby, by focusing on Jesus. I tried to concentrate on His love, His face, and His promise to me.
But I was so exhausted and I would fall asleep, only to be awakened again with more panic and worry. Then, the Holy Spirit interrupted the attacks and He showed me a vision of a peaceful boat that was covered in leaves and flowers. Then He said to me, “Breathe”.
He began to show me that in this faith test, that I needed to be carried by resting in Him. I woke up the next morning feeling like I was on the verge of sobbing. It was like I had a water balloon inside of my heart that was about to pop and pour out. I felt broken and ready to give up.
I realized that all I had left anymore was hope. I was too weary to keep holding onto faith. I surrendered every ‘worst-case scenario’ in my mind to God and surrendered to trust His plans, even if it meant losing all that I held dear. It hurt so much to let go because I have wanted this so bad.
But then, there was still hope and hope is a powerful thing. God showed me that this is like Gideon and that He would rescue me by His strength and not my own. It looks impossible for us to survive right now because it is. With my own pride laid aside, now God can work without my resistance.
“Then the Lord said to Gideon, “There are too many people with you for Me to hand over Midian to them, otherwise Israel will boast [about themselves] against Me, saying, ‘My own power has rescued me.’ Judges 7:2
It is not supposed to look achievable and this rescue is not meant to come from my strong faith or incredible power to trust and believe. God does His best through our weaknesses and I am the perfect candidate for that, just like Gideon was lol.
One thing that I was really struggling with though, is that the Lord keeps showing me that all of this journey has been written by Him to show us, intentional love. I got kind of butt-hurt by that because it is already at the last minute for us to get by this time and I hate going through the last-minute things.
It is so scary to be threatened with having no place to go and it makes it so hard for me to breathe from the intensity and climax. I told Him that I don’t like action movies and having to go through a life or death situation, so how could this be any kind of intentional love?
But then He reminded me that patience had to have its finished work so that our faith could be fully developed. “Be assured that the testing of your faith [through experience] produces endurance [leading to spiritual maturity, and inner peace].” James 1:3.
Even though all I have left is hope, that hope followed by patience births the fulfillment of hope. I don’t understand yet how this story can turn out to be a love song written by God, but I am going to stick around to see what He does.
So today, I am in a different place mentally about what is coming. I am holding onto hope in God’s promise to save us, just like the other times. But I have rested my life (and my striving) into His plans…even if that means that I lose everything that I have left.
I am too tired to wrestle with God anymore, so I gave Him all I had left. The more I fought about having to go through the testing of patience, the more it only hurt and made me more impatient lol.
It is like I am floating on that boat that He showed me last night in my dreams. I am allowing my tensions to relax and just be carried by God and if I die, then I die. Hope and patience go hand in hand and they both need each other to the end.
It is like how Abraham’s faith was tested. He had to walk through the possibilities of losing the child that he loved, but he had hoped that God’s intentional love would show up to rescue him from that horrible ending. Just like Abraham’s testing of faith, God always gives more and better than what we ever hoped and hope does not put us to shame.
I am hoping (even though it looks impossible) to be able to extend our room today so that I can finally sink into relief from the pressure of this flame. I also still feel like I am on the verge of crying waterfalls and I don’t even know how I will be able to keep my soul quiet with trust.
Even though the testing of patience is extremely hard to endure, I have to believe that good things come to those who wait and trust in the all-present, all-knowing, all-powerful–intentional love of God.
Jesus leads us into a place of radical grace where we are able to celebrate the hope of experiencing God’s glory. And that’s not all. We also celebrate in seasons of suffering because we know that when we suffer we develop endurance, which shapes our characters. When our characters are refined, we learn what it means to hope and anticipate God’s goodness. And hope will never fail to satisfy our deepest need because the Holy Spirit that was given to us has flooded our hearts with God’s love.