I can honestly say that I have never felt a more intense faith pressing than I have had this week. Literally, everything that God is saying is going to happen is upside down and opposite from how things look, feel, or seem.
I knew when the situation started to build pressure that I was going through a faith test. Not to sound gross, but God described this week to be like popping a pimple. The pressure was applied to get all of the fears, doubts, worries, and even bitterness to come out.
I have only three more days in this place and then I don’t know what will happen. Even though it “looks” like the apartment opportunity has passed us by, God has been telling me that it will happen.
I have not been able to think of a possible way that I can pay for our room when the reservation expires on Monday and I am praying that He sends what I need to extend.
To add to the pile of hard-to-believe things, God has been telling me to watch for a deposit that He promised me a whole year ago to show up. He showed it to me like a tiny rain cloud that Elijah prayed for.
Although I am thankful for the hope of what is coming, it has brought out a lot of resentment and bitterness that I had been holding onto from all of the long waiting.
I had come to the realization that before I could believe for God to fulfill that promise, that I needed to let go of the grudges that I had against Him for having to wait so long.
I spent an entire day this week pouring my agony out to God and repenting for my anger towards Him. I had to release Him from that bitterness that was making my faith toxic. I also had to wipe the slate clean and trust that anything is possible now.
There have been so many fears rising to the surface over these past several days. I have a journal that I use and I write each fear out and give it to God. I somehow feel a better “release” if I have it clearly written. Plus I like to reflect back on those things later and check off the fears that He saved me from.
In all of my history of walking with God, He has not allowed the fears that I trustfully let go of come to pass. Those fears are like wild horses and if you hold onto a horse too tight, you are going to get bucked. They are like wild, untamed emotions that can drive a person crazy if not properly handled. Fear is pain. It is tormenting and most of all–fear is a lie.
I had a hard time today letting go of those fears and trusting God to take care of me. I kept holding onto them and they hurt me alot. I got to a place of such despair from focusing on those fears of a bad outcome, that I completely broke down and sobbed for hours.
This situation is terrifying and all I have to help me breathe through this situation is my promises from God. He gave me a dream last night of a big huge semi-truck with our special number that He uses with me to remind me that we won’t be homeless. (711).
Then He told me that He would send the supplies that were needed to cover our rooms and apartment (whenever that happens). Seriously, if it were not for His promises and daily confirmations, I would not survive this.
The fear of going through something that looks impossible to survive feels like a horse kicking me in the chest. I have to spend hours trying to calm myself down by remembering His promises. I read these love letters over and over until my heart stops frantically beating.
Sometimes the pain of the fears that press against me are so intense that the only way for me to escape the pain is to close my eyes and imagine myself with my promise fulfilled. Today, I even saw myself with Jesus and I buried my face on His shoulder and wept and wept and wept.
In the vision, I used His long glorious garments to wrap my children and myself up so that we were hidden from every bad circumstance or person that was threatening us.
What I do know about going through the pressure of an opposite-looking condition and a clock that is running out of time is that the pressure is a sign of release.
So even though it can be unbearable to go through the pressure of walking by faith, the pressure is an indication of fulfillment–just like a baby being born. It is the proof of a breakthrough.
I have several financial promises from God to hold onto for this ministry and He took me into a vision and showed them to me as teeth that were growing in. He said that even though it looks like nothing is there, that there is.
I remember asking Him why it had to hurt so much for them to grow in? But as teeth grow in, they push and break through the skin as an eruption (like a volcano). It is because what is unseen is being made visible to take over the space of what seems to be an opposite situation.
So even though it may hurt to get past the opposite conditions of our promises, the promises are there and they are going to come in. They are like teeth that will emerge at any moment, even though they cannot be seen growing closer and closer to the surface.
I guess this post is just to share with you where I am at on my journey and the pain (and healing) that I have been silently walking through. I feel like this is a breaking point for me and if I ever needed help from above–it is now.
I love you all so dearly and will share an update again soon. Keep me in your prayers, I would be so grateful. I hope and pray that relief will come within the next couple of days so that I can breathe easy again.
I have to believe that God will keep His promise and that the discomfort will become a beautiful testimony of His rescuing love once again. I pray that you are immersed in beautiful dreams tonight–full of prophetic promise encounters from Jesus.