At this point, it feels like I will never stop crying. Yesterday ended up taking a different direction than what I had planned. It all started the same.
I checked my bank account a hundred times because of what God had shown me was coming, but nothing changed. Then I drove to the mailbox, also because of what God had shown me, and it ended up being a waste of time.
On the way back to the room, I had to pull into a rest stop so I could bury my head in the seat and weep. The pain of going through everything was just too much to contain.
I have deleted and re-posted my faith posts so many times because of the highs and lows of what has been happening and my own personal humiliation of being open in this way.
I had been clinging to what God promised and what He had been showing me would come. But what I found out was that my timing was not the same as His at all.
I finally decided to reach out to the housing place where we get our rooms because time was running out and I had not heard anything. They waited until much later to reply and the result was so shocking to me.
It was as if they never even remembered the offer that they had made me and even though they said I would be going to the new room today, they didn’t even have one available. They said my only option (with them) was to extend where I am. I couldn’t even believe it was happening like this.
They had forgotten me and everything that was promised and acted like it never happened. I almost fell off a cliff last night, because I realized that I would have had no place to go after checking out of this room.
I felt like I had been kicked in the lungs a thousand times and the disappointment that I was feeling was so big that it took me several hours to calm down. Thankfully, because I had received some donations, I was able to extend the room for more time.
I really want to thank you for helping too, because I would have had no way to pay for our room if that had not happened. I was rescued and I will never forget that. After I made arrangements to extend our time here, I had to drive to the store for something unexpected.
It was already dark and there was a homeless man sleeping on the bench. I was so broken from him and I cried and wept. I knew at that moment that I would make it my life’s mission to help those with no home.
It breaks my heart when people judge those with homeless conditions or a life of poverty because no one knows what led to that spiral downfall or the details of their unique situation and no one (aside from them and God) knows how bitterly painful that way of life is. It is completely void of all comfort and I cannot even see it without dying inside and wanting to save them all.
After I got back from the store, it was really late at night and my card was declining the purchase of the room. It kept saying “unusual activity”. So I moved my funds to my other card and now I am waiting for it to go through.
I could really use your help, in praying for my card to be approved, so that I don’t have to move out and be without refuge this morning. 🙏
Everything is happening the opposite of how God promised, but I know that when things look the darkest, is when the baby is born. In fact, God warned me that it would not seem like His promise would appear.
It will feel so out of season and unexpected. This has got to be the hardest part of this labor so far and I honestly just want to dig a hole in the ground and stay there the rest of my days.
“In the same way that a woman labors in great pain during childbirth only to forget the intensity of the pain when she holds her child when I return, your labored grief will also change into a joy that cannot be stolen.” John 16
It also dawned on me this morning that this situation is just like how God promised me in Isaiah 54:10. He said that the abundance would come from the authority of His promise and nothing can stop that–even if the whole world falls apart.
But walking through this level of disappointment and shaking has been so completely difficult and painful. I feel like I can’t stop crying and that sucks because I miss being able to wear my makeup lol.
I know that this crushing that I am walking through now is pressing me into the lowest surrender that I have ever known. I can already see myself surrendering to His promise with the truest and purest faith that I have ever known.
I remember a quote that I once heard from Dave Wilkerson and he said that “true joy is birthed through anguish”. I can feel that happening to me, as the bitter pain on the outside meets the beautiful blessing within.
As for now, it looks like everything has fallen apart and I feel like a fool on the outside. But I am giving my life to trust what Jesus has said and to believe Him no matter what. I am learning a hard lesson about patience, trust, and long-suffering. The more I try to rush things, the more I seem to suffer.
I know that I have a promised home, but I am done trying to rush things along or try to force it to happen. I believe that when God says “it’s time” that the door will just open up–just like He promised.
Even if the mountains heave up from their anchors, and the hills quiver and shake, I will not desert you. You can rely on My enduring love; My covenant of peace will stand forever. So says the Eternal One, whose love won’t give up on you. Isaiah 54:10