The beginning of this week went well. I practiced “Going Someplace Else” with Jesus and I let myself get lost in what God promised as a way to get through the growing pressure of birthing this fulfillment. But now the pressure is getting overwhelming and it has been a tug of war within.
I keep having to die to my fears and doubts and I have to actively choose to cling to His promise. I dreamed the other night that God had to use pressure to remove the toxic emotions that were affecting my promised “baby” of having this home and love rescue.
Then last night, I couldn’t take the pressure of waiting any longer and I started to break down. I hid in my bed and sobbed the most gut-wrenching tears. There was so much coming out, a mixture of pain, fear, and anger.
I was telling God that “I wanted out” and that I no longer want to live out the depths of the Oceans song–that unconditional place of trust. All through the night, He gave me signs of His love rescue coming to help and many promises of relief and help.
I woke up feeling like I was on the top of a skyscraper in the middle of the storm that was swaying in the winds. I felt so uneasy and unsettled, as I tried to resist thinking about the worst that could happen.
To recap and explain the situation, after 4 years of following God’s plan and being supported supernaturally in hotels, we finally have an opportunity of having our own little place to call home. (See “Our Story”)
We have to check out on Sunday morning and the plan is to go to our new apartment. But, I am clinging to God’s promise to send the provision that we need to move, because I have to pay it a month in advance. I am fighting to resist the fears of what we will do if God didn’t show up as He promised. I am trusting Him to keep His promise, but the fight to trust within is getting unbearable.
I remember when He was telling me about this moment in time many months ago, He said that He was writing me a story that would bring so much attention, fame, and glory to His name. It will leave people in awe and wonder at how good His loving-kindness was.
But I am struggling for air to get through this. The pressure is becoming unbearable and it feels like I am drowning. I know that after this is over, that I will love to tell this story so much.
I always loved the way that Kathryn Kuhlman ministered to others because she just told stories of her experience and if she did not experience something for herself, then she didn’t talk about it.
I remember praying and asking God to give me stories to tell. I wanted so many amazing stories of His love in action. But going through a life or death situation is so hard. I just wanted to give up so many times yesterday and I begged God to pull me out of the deep water.
My daughter randomly said out of the blue last night, “It’s not a good story to tell unless you almost die” haha. I love that kid! She didn’t know the warfare that I had going on inside or what I was facing. But it was like God reminding me of how much I loved a good story to tell.
I have put everything on the line to believe God’s promise to us and right now, even though it seems impossible. Despite the discomfort, in just a couple of days–hopefully, I will have a story that will be cherished for a lifetime. I love you and thank you for sticking with me through this journey with unconditional love—through the good and the bad.
But me he caught—reached all the way
from sky to sea; he pulled me out
Of that ocean of hate, that enemy chaos,
the void in which I was drowning.
They hit me when I was down,
but God stuck by me.
He stood me up on a wide-open field;
I stood there saved—surprised to be loved!
Psalm 18:16-19 MSG