I have been sitting on this news–this really, really good news–for several days. Something opened up to me that I have longed for more than I can even describe. In fact, it is something that I have prayed to happen for so long, that I found myself scared to hope or be excited.
I was so scared to hope because if this news did not work out, I would be so completely crushed. Many of you know how painful this journey has been and how I have yearned for a place to call ‘home’ for so long.
I was contacted by the place where I have been reserving my rooms with an opportunity that left me utterly speechless inside. They told me that if I can start paying a month in advance for our room, that they would give me an apartment of our very own, for as long as I like.
It is just like God promised too. He said that it would just open up and present itself to me and He said there would be no credit checks, etc. But here is the reason I was scared to hope…I would need the funds to cover a month of the new home this week.
I cried for days now and I prayed until I couldn’t pray anymore. God knows the request and how desperately I want to hope and see this come true. Being scared to hope took me down to a really sad place inside. I ended up getting to a place of feeling hopeless and devastated.
Fear is such an ugly thing to dwell upon and it took something so beautiful (this good news) and turned it into a place of despair and wanting to just be over with everything. Yet, look how long God has supported us and this is not an impossible thing to Him.
Something happened overnight and I woke up in a different place mentally. I thought about all of the promises that God has given to me about this and how faithful He has been.
Even all this week, God has been showing me that we will enter into that place and that He would send what we needed to have the best testimony of His intentional love yet.
There have been several times during the past few months when God showed up with unexpected funds to cover a substantial amount. There have also been many times when I had to pull over my car on the side of the road, just so I could weep with gratitude and worship Him, because of the rescue of His love.
God has given me no reason to doubt or distrust Him. Everywhere that He said that we would go next came to pass and every time He promised to show up with what we needed to pay for our rooms–He did.
So I decided that I am breaking up with unbelief and doubt. I decided to take God at His word and to hope as I have never hoped before. I decided to believe for the very best and to give My whole heart to Jesus, without any hesitations.
If I should die or meet an unsatisfactory outcome, at least I will know that I died giving all of my life to trust and believe in My savior. I cannot be without Him and I realized that this weekend. I need Him more than anything in my life.
So many people have failed to be loving and loyal to me through the years, but God never has. He has been there with me when I had nobody at all to love me. He has comforted me when the whole world was attacking me with criticism and untrue opinions.
I am just going to die in the arms of my true love today. I am shutting out all of my worry and fear. I am dying to my doubts and negative thoughts. I am just going to let go and let myself fall into His love.
So let’s break open the champagne of songs and celebrate because I am finally getting the place to call “home” and I owe it all to Jesus–the one who loves unconditionally and is faithful to His vows.
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