This is one of the most difficult and transparent posts that I have ever done. It is really uncomfortable because it openly exposes my past blemishes and my imperfections. In fact, I may go into hiding after this one and find myself a little cave to stay in lol.
But the Lord has asked me to share this, so I am going to take a deep breath, close my eyes, and then exhale into a nice surrender. What you have been witnessing is the process that I have been undergoing of changing from a caterpillar to a butterfly.
In this instance, the butterfly represents God’s promises becoming tangible and abundant in my life and the caterpillar is the ugliness of the past and place of living in fear, wrong thinking, and poverty.
Sometimes it helps others to have the confidence to pursue the dreams that God has given them when they hear the testimony of an ugly past by someone who has risen out of the ashes and fluttered into something truly beautiful.
I remember when I heard the testimony of Sarah Jakes Roberts and how she used to waitress at a strip club. I was so inspired by the way that God transformed Sarah’s life. It gave me the courage to reveal my past too.
Besides who wants to glean from someone who is not utterly real with scars to prove it? It all points to the glorious handiwork of God and His transformational love.
I actually had two marriages. The first one ended very abruptly and not only did I have to find a way to support myself, but I also lost my two oldest daughters. At that time they were only 2 and 4 and I was completely devastated.
I ended up being charged to pay child support in an amount that was more than I could afford to live on (or so I thought). I remember trying to think of a way that I could support myself and find a place to live.
No matter how I crunched the numbers, there was no logical way that I could pull it off. Then, I had a thought and it was a very ugly caterpillar thought. I thought that maybe I could find an easy way of surviving by becoming an exotic dancer.
I kept following that thought and it led me to an amateur night at a strip club. I had grown up knowing God, but at that time, I had drifted away from Him.
I ended up getting sucked into that lifestyle for a little bit and I was getting convicted in my heart. I was so devastated by my loss and I hated my life. I remember that I had a mantra and it was “I will drink myself happy”.
In fact, the only way that I could get myself on that stage was to get myself completely intoxicated, because the convictions from God were too strong.
Eventually, it got to the point that I could not even get onto the stage and I would sit in the backroom and bitterly cry. I wanted to die so bad and I felt like there was nothing to live for.
I hit a breaking point and I called my parents and I confessed my lifestyle to them. Without hesitation, my parents picked me up and brought me back home. My dad was a pastor, so they had a little house next to a church. The comfort that I had during that time was so unexplainable and good.
I would sit in my dad’s big plush chair and just thank God for taking care of me and for rescuing me. It was much later that I realized and understood that all of that mess began with a thought. It was a thought that there was not enough and that I could no longer survive.
That was a caterpillar thought. I actually thought like a caterpillar from the time I was a child. I was always told that we didn’t have money, so I always had a belief system that I was poor when actually we were not.
I also spent a long time feeling like I was dirty because of my past. I was ashamed of it and that shame was eating me alive. The Holy Spirit began teaching me about who I really am and that my past has been forgotten and wiped clean.
I had to learn to eat from the trees of His righteousness and decree that I am the righteousness of God through Christ Jesus and that as Jesus is, so I am I in this world. I had to replace those thoughts of shame with thoughts of Christ’s honor because my past behavior does not define me. Everything will always glorify Him, even my dishonorable past.
A caterpillar eats like crazy, feeding on the leaves. Symbolically it is much like the way I have fed on the thoughts of poverty and fear all of my life. I went through a decade of living like a caterpillar when I would just eat negative thoughts all day long.
What I had been believing and seeing in the natural realm did not line up with what God had promised. Even now, I have been battling the caterpillar thoughts of reason and doubt.
God says that there is an abundance and that He will generously supply all of my needs. Not only did He promise to provide for all of our needs, but He promised that there would be plenty left over.
But last night, I let myself follow the thoughts of lack because I was looking at what I had in my bank and the fears that nothing would come. I started to cry on the floor and pray because I was so scared that God would not show up with the money we needed to pay for next week’s room.
I was asking God, how do I believe? How do I get past these fears of not surviving? Then God reminded me of the process that a caterpillar must go through to become a butterfly.
The caterpillar eventually stops eating and he spins himself into a cocoon. In that place of total focus on what God has promised, he no longer pays any attention to what is happening to the outer world.
The caterpillar does not need to worry himself about whether or not the branch will hold him up. He just lets go and finally surrenders to the new life of promise. I like to pretend that the caterpillar has visions of himself as a butterfly and how those dreams eventually become too big to remain inside.
The caterpillar’s entire DNA is transformed and he melts into a butterfly with gorgeous new wings to fly. The power to believe is found in the surrender. I need to surrender to what God says, even though I am afraid. I need to stop eating those thoughts of fear and let God’s promise consume my life.
It has to be all or nothing. I cannot continue to think about the lack when God has promised that there IS an abundance for this time. So today, I am challenging myself to only think about what God has promised and put away those caterpillar thoughts.
What we think about all day long is exactly what we will believe deep down. We can quote scriptures day and night, but if we are quoting God’s word and then crying on the bathroom floor out of fear, then it is obvious that our thoughts and beliefs are out of alignment with God’s words.
In this symbolic example, a butterfly only thinks as Jesus does. He only thinks about promises. He is no longer a caterpillar who thinks from a negative mindset. The very first way to transform is by what we think about and what we feel.
If we can begin to open our hearts to believe God’s promises and get to a point that we actually feel like they are done, then it is.
Because once we believe (by really feeling and thinking it) then it is done for us. It is not enough to just say it or think it, we must become immersed in His love. Faith requires total involvement of self and that includes how we feel.
We must line our feelings up to match the unseen promise. That is where change happens. Because once we feel like it is true, then all of the pain is replaced with joy and gratitude. It is finished.
This was totally self encouraged haha! 🙂 But I pray it encouraged you too. I think I am ready to finally cross over into the life of a butterfly. Would you like to join me as we only think and feel from the end result of the promise?
Because the promises of God have the power to transform when we will completely allow them to become the center of our attention, like a caterpillar surrendering into the beauty of a butterfly.
Love you and thanks in advance for the unconditional support and love!
The word of God, you see, is alive and moving; sharper than a double-edged sword; piercing the divide between soul and spirit, joints and marrow; able to judge the thoughts and will of the heart. Hebrews 4:12