The room that we are in now is so bitter-sweet to me. It is a beautiful room and I love it so much. When we got back here, I felt like my heart was doing flip-flops. But at the same time, I remembered the pain that I experienced in this room and I didn’t know how to feel.
When we were here before, I had to face the hugest fear, and facing fear is so incredibly painful. Yet it was in that presence of fear, that God’s love was manifested to us to rescue us and bring comfort from the distress. His love pushes away the fear and it is part of the process of being delivered from fear. It must be confronted with love.
When we were here before, it was so terrifying. There was a situation that was threatening me and I couldn’t even sleep at night. I had no rest for my soul because the threats that were against me were so unbearable. That is all they turned out to be…empty threats.
Just as always, God’s love broke through those fears to show us the opposite outcome with His unending love. And now here I am again. I am in this same room and facing new fears.
I honestly don’t know whether to love this room or hate it. Because in this room, I have had my faith stretched to terrifying extremes. But that discomfort was the place where God’s loving rescue was revealed.
I am so thankful for the encounters of seeing His love in action to help us, but I very much despise going through these fears. I feel like I am hanging off of a cliff right now and with all of My heart I am crying out to God to save us…just like He promised.
I have only 2 days for Him to show up with a miracle for me to pay for our room and food needs. On the way to check my mailbox today, I recited His promises over and over. I am trying to use the present pressure and tension as a launching pad for my faith, but it is hard when the situation is desperate and scary.
I got to the mailbox, only to see that it was empty. Then a family member contacted me with an emergency and needed me to send $20. I was already in so much need myself, but I decided to plant it as a seed of faith and trust that God would send someone else to help me. I started off the day strong in faith and now I am sitting here crying like a baby.
I suppose that is why being “stretched” is so uncomfortable. It means going beyond our “faith flexibility” to give us room to expand and grow. I have found that anytime that I am in need financially, the quickest way to receive what I need is to plant a seed and give it to someone else. It is has been a miracle for me so many times. I have never seen it fail and yet I am getting restless as I expect and hope.
Love gives, like a circle, and eventually, it always returns. The other night, out of the blue, the Lord said to me, “your purpose is to show love”. I didn’t know why He said that until now. Even in my own heartache, I am going to try to show His love to whoever I can.
Love is like a seed that always multiplies and returns to the one who plants it. It is also a perfect way to show others the love of God. When Jesus told the story of the good samaritan, He basically said that whoever we take care of, that He will repay us Himself.
That is really beautiful and there is a part of me that will always be a caregiver. My heart feels so fulfilled when I take care of others. I have often felt like the worst mom in the world and I have cried with regret so many times.
But I can say that even though I have been very flawed, that I love to take care of my kids…and anyone else who God allows me to help.
Hopefully, within 2 days, I will write to you again and share with you how the love came back to me. Hopefully, I can tell you once again how this room has turned from bitter (fear) into sweet (love) and that God saved us from falling into being homeless.
I want to believe that God won’t drop us after all of this time but I need a miracle from Him. I guess the conditions of needing a miracle to survive are the best conditions to see a miracle happen.
Thanks for reading this today and I love you so much!