For the longest time, I would say more than 2 years, I have been trapped in black. Now, let me explain. Because I did not have a conventional form of living as most people do, I had a very deep root of shame. I felt like I was less than the rest of the world.
So, I found comfort in wearing all black, because it was the cheapest way for me to stay minimalist in my expenses for myself. I have one pair of black shoes (and a pair of black flip-flops lol). I also have a few pairs of black pants, a black sweater and a grey one.
Then, I just coordinate through a few different colored tops, to give myself a slightly different look. It was the cheapest way for me to dress and I found that I didn’t need to have very many clothes that way too.
I would love to wear different colors, like browns and nudes, but I found that it would cost me more money because I would need to match my shoes and sweaters, etc. Maybe it’s a girly thing lol.
Then there is the hair…oh boy. A few years ago I dyed my hair from a beautiful dark blonde to black. I always wanted to go back to lighter hair, but every time that I tried myself, I would fail and cause more damage. But I could not bring myself to go to a salon, because I felt “unworthy” to have nice things.
Because I have had to walk this unusual path of not having a home, I have had so much shame that I was never supposed to have. I felt ashamed for not having a home and I felt indebted to those who donate, to live as cheaply as possible. The truth is, I have treated myself more like an animal than a human.
I was never willing to give anything to myself because I was so ashamed of not having my own home. But then the Lord started to pull at that root of shame and He told me that this was the identity test that I needed to pass.
He told me that I am not less than anyone else for taking this path that He has asked me to follow. Papa had me wash my soul all over again in the pure waters of His love and plant new thoughts of righteousness through Him.
I made myself an appointment to finally get this black hair dye out of my hair but then last night I canceled it and broke down in tears. I felt too unworthy to have anything still, because of the shame of not having my own place to live and the financial obligations that I need to cover. I was trapped in fear, unworthiness, and doubt in His faithful promises to provide.
Yet Papa has been our home and He has carried us through so many beautiful and comfortable places to live. I realized that I should not be ashamed for the path that He has made for us, but I should embrace this time of being totally wrapped in His loving support.
I went out to my post office box this morning and I stopped at the gas station along the way. While I was pumping gas, a song started playing through the speaker, called “I want you to have it all”. Then Dad opened my heart to receive these lyrics through Him,
“I want you to have it all! All you can imagine! No matter what your path is–if you believe it then anything can happen!” Lyric video here via Windgale Lyrics: (Jason Mraz ‘Have it all’ )
I knew He was teaching me about being His child and how I am so extremely treasured and blessed. After the gas station, I stopped at my mailbox and there was an envelope with “extra” money that God told someone to send. Then I lifted my eyes to see a meadow across the street that had bloomed full of purple ‘royalty’ flowers!
I have been so tearful all morning because I realize how ugly that garden of shame was. I may not have every earthly treasure, like everyone else, but I have the richest treasures from my Daddy in Heaven and He doesn’t want me to live like an animal any longer, being so consumed by shame.
Last night, in my dreams, He was teaching me about how to make a new garden in my heart and mind, knowing that I am right with Him–regardless of what anyone’s opinion about His path for me is. After all, “the root of the righteous yields richer fruit” Proverbs 12:12.
I decided to trust His love and stop cowering in fear of what anyone thought of me anymore. I made my hair appointment and even though I don’t have a home of my own yet. I am walking free from being a hostage of wearing black. Don’t get me wrong, I totally love black, but I would love to be free to wear other colors too. I do not need to live in the pigpen when My Father has a palace for Me to live in. Thanks for letting me share this little testimony of my identity test!