It was only 4 hours before I was due to check out of our little hotel room. I had set my alarm clock extra early so that I could try to pray into my promise from God because I was desperate for a delivery.
The honest truth is that I didn’t even need my alarm clock that morning, because I had been up most of the night soaking my pillow in tears. It was a really long night, as all of the worst fears of “what could happen” if I didn’t get the money I needed in time to pay for my room, flashed before my mind.
There was a little side street next to the hotel with the most adorable houses. I would often walk up and down that road when I was pressing through my worst fears to trust in a promise from God. I knew all too well that the word of God would not profit me if it was mixed with unbelief. So I had to prepare myself that morning to “die” to all of my fears, doubts, and unbeliefs.
It was terrifying because I had two kids in that room who were trusting in me, as I was trusting in God to care for us and honor His promise. It honestly felt like birthing a baby, as the time came closer.
I was being pressed in agony, as my need got closer, and yet nothing was happening. The only way that I could get beyond the immense fears of seeing nothing in the natural happening, was to use faith to tap into my imagination.
But first, I had to lay down all of my fears and worries into God’s hands. It is very hard to “fly by faith” when you are weighed down with unbearable burdens. So early that morning, placed those dreadful worries into God’s hands, but it was really hard to do.
I had the weight of the world on my shoulders and I wanted to keep holding them. I don’t know why it is such a temptation to hold onto those fears and worries, but it is a natural response to pressure.
That morning I had no money in my bank account and it felt as if the whole world had forgotten me. There were no donations for a very long time and I could not see how the money would ever get through to me. I wanted to scream from the rooftop that I needed help, but somewhere deep inside of me, I wanted to test God’s promise to provide for us to see if He was sincere.
Although He promised me that He would send us donations, I felt that my focus was very important. I had to place my attention on Him and then trust Him to send the right person to help us with our needs. It felt like reaching my faith to touch the hem of His garment. He had to be first, above everything, and I knew that.
With only a couple of hours before me and my family were kicked onto the street, I started to walk up and down that little side road next to the hotel. I prayed to Papa God for help and I clung to Jesus with every last breath in my lungs. I reminded Him of His promise, as I recited scriptures over and over.
I also escaped the pain of the moment, by imagining that He was helping us. I visualized God sending us donations and I imagined that I was picking what we needed off of the tree of His promised support.
It was not easy and I must have walked up that little road for 2 hours straight. But like Abraham, who inherited the promise through faith and patience, the long-suffering of waiting had paid off. It was down to the last hour and I reached my breaking point.
There was a little office building next to the hotel and I sat on the ledge of that building and wept uncontrollably. I ran out of everything–faith, strength, and patience. I had nothing else to give and I was ready to die in that parking lot from the pain that I was feeling.
It was at that moment, when the pain was the worst, that I met the baby of promise. Suddenly, I saw a notification on my phone, that was blurred by the heavy tears that filled my eyes. I had received a donation just in time, to cover our room.
It felt like birthing a real baby because the relief from that excruciating pain was instantly soothed and was replaced with sheer joy. I couldn’t stop thanking God and crying happy tears. I wanted to dance in the streets like David, because I was so thankful for God’s intentional love.
And so this has how my life has been, over and over, for 3 years. I keep meeting God in this place of unbelievable pain and He shows up with the joy that relieves all of the pain in an instant. That is what it feels like to press through a promise, for me.
For the past week, I have been pressing through the same promise and like a woman in childbirth, I have experienced times of wanting to give up, times of weeping in agony, and times of surging faith to believe that God will step in and deliver this promise to me.
Sometimes I get embarrassed by the letters that God gives me because they are often about financial miracles, but I cannot be embarrassed anymore. That is the ground that He has given to me and that is where I have experienced His love rescues many, many times.
I believe that someday I will be a person who stands on the top of that financial mountain to proclaim the goodness of God and all of His abundant love. For now, I have accepted that He has chosen my weakness to display His power.
No matter how humiliating it may feel to be exposed like this, it is a place where He demonstrates His glory to fulfill His promise for us. His promise to my family was all about financial abundance and I have been the last person that would be likely to see it happen.
I started this journey with no home, no money, and no one to help me. Every family member had turned their backs on me, I was abandoned by the husband who vowed to be there forever, and I was harshly criticized by those who once called me “brother” or “sister” in Christ. I have come to a place where Jesus has become my everything.
He is my mother, my father, my husband, and my best friend. He is my home and my source of support. I am lost without Him and walking through this extreme kind of faith-testing has brought me into a deep dependence on Him. That dependence has been very painful, but in that place where I bleed with pain, is where His love pours out to heal every hurt.
This morning the first thing I did when I opened my eyes was cry. I was crying to God to help me and to show up to deliver His promise of support. I walked through the memory of the morning that I wrote about above and tried to comfort myself in His faithfulness.
It hurts, incredibly bad, to press through to a promise. But when that baby is delivered, the joy and relief are something that will be treasured for a lifetime. I used to let myself feel like a victim for having to walk through this level of hardship and I would get angry at other Christians who had ministries and did not have to “walk it out” to such extremes.
But now I see that it is a blessing and an honor to encounter God like this, in the depths of facing those pains from fear. Because I know that God will always give us tremendously more joy to make up for suffering. That is the beauty of birth, and if you ask any mother, she will gladly do it all again. ❤
“Sing, barren woman, who has never had a baby. Fill the air with a song, you who’ve never experienced childbirth! You’re ending up with far more children than all those childbearing women.” God says so!
With love, Dannette