I just have to correct myself on something. Several times on my “Faith Walk” posts, I have said that we have been on this journey of “supernatural survival” for 4 or 5 years.
But tonight I realized that it has only been 3 years. It was about this time in 2018 that we left having a home (if I am not mistaken, but the dates all seem to line up) and took the biggest leap of faith I have ever known.
It was not really by choice (so I am no hero), but Jesus told me where to go when we lost our place to stay and I followed Him, instead of going any other way. I had nobody but Jesus.
I never meant to exaggerate the time and I apologize for that. It is just that it had felt like it was so much longer than I ever imagined. I really thought it had been 4 or 5 years. There have been 2 completely different states and about 8 different places that He brought us to as we have followed Jesus into this promise for our permanent home.
I never had any money of my own, only the loving support of those that Jesus has sent to us and He really blessed us many times with hidden wealth in secret places too. The timing was always perfect too. Just when the donations had been stopped up and no longer came though, a hidden reservoir of provision appeared to help through the low moments.
Someday He has made me the same promise as well. That I will be “blessed to be a blessing” and that I will be a vessel of support and giving love gifts from Him to those who need help.
When a person is hungry or desperate to survive, the first thing Jesus does is manifest to them as their “Ever-Present need”. He doesn’t give a stone to someone who needs a fish. That is real love, a love that is intentional and compassionate. He is our provider, but He very often sends those loving provisions through the willing and open hearts who follow His voice.
We are supposed to love that way too. One day I plan to open an enormous refuge (maybe many) to show the intentional love of Jesus. I can’t wait to give and give and give. There is nothing like the relief of physical comforts when you are in the desperation of life and death.
I know first hand and when I received money before we ended up on the street and even death, it was like drinking cool water in the scorching desert. I don’t even know how to explain it, but it is like giving birth. You go from having the worst pain ever and wishing you could just quit, to the biggest relief a person can know.
It is in that moment that you realize that there really is a God who sees you and He really cares–even when there is no one else who cares anymore. Someday I will be one who delivers that kind of love and I know I will cry my eyes out every time because I know how it felt to be rescued in a way that meant whether or not you survived another hour.
I also know what it feels like when He asks us to trust Him to rescue us in a timeline that goes against what certain humans may feel is right. He holds my reputation and I will leave that at that.
I won’t lie to you. Over these three years, there have been many times when the desperation and fear of survival became so intense that I wanted to die. I didn’t just want to die, but I begged God for it during some of the hardest times. But then, right when I got past that moment of breaking down and wanting to give up, a donation would come through to remind me that God is there and that He won’t abandon His words to support us like this.
It has been a process of coming to the end of my doubts and fears and stepping into the reality of His words. But I am learning that it is a long process, as many of us carry years and years of distrust and fear from all the pain that we have endured from the unkindness of man.
I just can’t even stop crying when I look back at how we made it so far. By all logical explanation, we should have never made it. It baffles me and leaves me awestruck that something so simple as a “word promise” from God would keep us from being homeless.
I just feel so small when I look at the big picture. If you knew me before, you would never even recognize me now. I have been learning to trust Him and every day I trust Him more.
Facing my fears of not being provided for and exercising my faith has helped me free my soul so much. And still, I have to admit that it is traumatizing to face this kind of extreme fear.
To not know where God will send His “promised provision” the next time can be so scary. Sometimes, I find myself in total panic and I have found only one way to cope with the anxiety.
I imagine that I have what He promised. I will envision Him sending us donations, just like He promised. I will imagine that I am standing in our promised home and I can feel the soft carpet squish under my feet.
I imagine that we are over the rainbow, where the promises are really tangible and I am no longer feeling the heat and pressure of the moments of need. It has been so scary and it has felt like it has been so much longer than it has.
I never meant to add time to my stories and I apologize for that. I guess only God knows how hard it is to keep track of time when you are constantly falling and waiting for His love rescue…again and again and again.
I just wanted to clear the air today and share my discovery. I am in a moment of reflecting back at how far He has carried us and I can’t even stop thanking Him and crying. Something like this just doesn’t happen without a miracle from Jesus.
I already need another miracle, but it would be so selfish for me not to believe and trust Him now. God help me trust and believe. Just breathe, believe, breathe, believe, rest …🙏💙 Have a good night beloveds, and thank you.
You shall be richly rewarded, for when I was hungry, you fed Me. And when I was thirsty, you gave Me something to drink. I was alone as a stranger, and you welcomed Me into your homes and into your lives. I was naked, and you gave Me clothes to wear; I was sick, and you tended to My needs; I was in prison, and you comforted Me.
Mathew 25:35-36 The Voice