I had almost forgotten where I was. I had been dreaming that I was in a home and then I woke up in the middle of the night and had to adjust my eyes to see my present location. Once my focus adjusted, I remembered that I was in a hotel. For a moment, I felt panic and my breathing became anxious.
As always, my first reaction was to cry out to God to help me and calm those heavy fears that were thundering against my chest. I remembered the needs that I have and the seasonal days that were approaching. I started to pray over and over, “God please don’t drop us, don’t let us fall from here”
I was just about to burst into unbearable cries until I remembered something else. For the past however many years (I think 4 or 5), God has been our Everything. Before we left to stay at a hotel out of a moment of life or death survival, God gave me a promise and He said that HE, HIMSELF, would be our home and our Source of income. He is our miracle water in the desert and our bread to satisfy hunger.
If God didn’t show up to support us, the aftermath would be horrible. I have no other place that would welcome us in. Even my own family would not open their hearts and homes to us. But that is why this is so beautiful. God, HIMSELF, has promised to be our home and anywhere that He takes us, we are able to rest in His support.
But the challenge comes when I take myself out seeing things through faith. When I look at my needs or imagine the “worst-case” scenarios, I usually end up in a state of panic. I have been seeing the pictures of people on social media put up their Christmas trees in their perfectly decorated homes and I won’t lie…it makes me cry every time. After I regain my composure, I always thank God for giving them such a wonderful moment of coziness.
Throughout this time of traveling with God as a home, He always tells me to keep my eyes on His promise of giving us a real, lasting home. He also encourages me to concentrate on His provisional water to flow to us as a loving rescue. I believe our non-traveling home will first be an apartment and then a real home overlooking the water, to remind me of His abundant love.
There have been many times that God will move us around to protect us from dangers. It kind of reminds me of how God moved Mary and Joseph around to protect the life of Jesus from the wickedness trying to stop what God had planned. The other night, the Lord showed me that He is going to move us again for the sake of protection.
I went into a vivid vision of a ravenous type of fire that was spreading closer and closer to where we were. The fire was the covid virus and the Lord showed me that He is going to move us out of here before it reaches this location. Before we left to avoid the fire, He gave me an insurance policy of protection from it.
What I noticed was the timing was scary. By the time He finally allowed us to go, it was already close to our feet and we had to jump around the flames to avoid getting burnt. Then we finally reached the place where God was lifting us up to a new level and a more comfortable place to stay.
Interestingly enough, I have been like a pregnant woman who is nesting. I have felt the upcoming change in my spirit and I have been packing and getting ready to go. Right now, I need help from Him because I don’t even know how I will cover the room fee for this week, let alone the great expenses of moving.
The only way that I have been able to breathe through the fears and anxieties that comes with living by this kind of faith lately is to remember how faithful God has been. Every time that I retrace my thoughts on how God has held us up to miraculously be our home, it makes me cry with sheer gratitude.
Someday I will be writing these blogs from my comfortable home that overlooks the water and I know that I will cry every time that I remember how God has cared for us so diligently. There is no way for me to ever deny His intentional love at this point. Although I don’t understand why it has to be so long, I can take refuge in the fact that He does. He has a reason and it better that I trust what He can see than what I cannot yet.
These love letters may or may not mean the world to you or others, but they have been my absolute lifeline to survive. They have been my air to breathe when fear and anxiety were begging me to give up and end everything. They are real and they take real faith pressed down and pouring over to see them manifest. Interestingly enough, they work best when mixed with a place of being uncomfortable.
Someday I will not be in this circumstance and I truly believe that God will cause me to be one who is able to generously provide help to others, just as you all have helped me. I cannot thank you enough for being the hands of Jesus to us during this journey.
When we get to where He is taking us, I believe that we will look back and melt with thankful tears that He had us take this very unique path. Thank you, family–today and always.
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