This is not easy and I don’t feel like writing this, but I know it is something that Lord needs me to write. A few days ago, I had a mysterious encounter with Jesus and He came to me as a Surgeon.
He showed me a vision of a mass of flesh, it looked like parts of a baby in my spiritual womb. Only this baby had no life and no real form. I knew it was not something that I was supposed to be carrying. He told me that if He did not remove it soon, that it would only get bigger.
After we discussed my spiritual surgery, He showed me that He would give me samples during it. Those samples looked like packages of fruit and it was comforts of His love and goodness for healing.
I learned that the object that needed to be removed was something that started out as only a “thought” of fear. That fear had been growing because I had been feeding it, for a very long time!
Before I even came to this place of living by faith for financial supply, https://www.diamondsfromthedust.com/our-story/, I had been in an emotionally abusive relationship for over 12 years.
Over those years, the abuse, manipulation, objectification, lies, adultery, and much more… had brought me into a form of PTSD after I was out of it from both the man and financial fears. Now I am in a place of healing from mental traumas and replacing the bad memories with new ones from God’s promises.
It wasn’t something that happened right away, but over time it was a wound that grew deeper. I remember when the abuse was so bad, that I would just cry for God to save me. The problem was that I never had a way to do it financially.
Even he knew that I was helpless in that area because of some very unique circumstances and he used to gloat over me and mock to say that I would never survive without him and that God would never support me. I remember that when he was drowning me with those threats, that I used to pray and ask God to defend me with His love.
This story travels very long and someday it will be told in a book that God has placed on my heart. But I wanted to give you an idea of where I started before getting to where I am now. I had been tormented over money for so many years and that is why God is giving me this specific journey with a promise of financial freedom from His love.
Provision and protection have been the two things that the Father has been helping me to trust Him to be for me, in order to overcome the deep levels of abusive memories. It is the promises of Psalm 23 and Psalm 27 that He has been drawing my heart to depend on more than anything.
Right after my little meeting with God about that spiritual surgery, I started walking through the two fears that I have had such severe trauma from. One is the ex. Whenever I had gotten a text from him, I would cry and go into a panic of overwhelming anxiety and foreboding. It was awful. Yet the Father has given me clear promises of what He will do for me concerning him. So I know that those threats will never become anything at all.
The other was for money for our needs. Whenever I had thoughts of needing money to cover our room and food, it was such unbearable pain and anytime I was short to cover something or if a need was approaching, it was like my heart was being crushed and I could not even breathe. That is why God has been working with me to let go of past memories in order to heal those cycles. Living by faith is a direct confrontation with fear, that’s for sure!
But the lies of the enemy have kept me from sharing anything lately. The other night it was a storm here and I sat outside in the pouring rain, just weeping with the most intense cries. All because I was a little short to cover my room for Friday. Even though it is not here yet, the thought of having to suffer for room money was worse than death itself to me. I don’t even care about the material things really.
My heart’s cry is not to suffer as I have in the past and to be able to be a blessing while being blessed. Yet I have a promise of wealth and abundance and God says all I need to do is depend on His words and it will emerge into my life as I need it. It is like He has given me a blank check, but I have to press past the fears and choose to believe by faith in order to see it transferred into my account. I also have dreams of building shelter houses of comfort to help people not have to go through these same struggles, but that is another blog in itself haha 🙂
In the distress of the pouring rain and tears, I remembered that the Father once told me that my blog is my income. I was instantly inspired by the thought of writing to you and sharing to you the real truth of what I have been going through privately. However, I was stopped dead in my tracks, by the things that the enemy was saying. I was like a deer frozen with fear in the headlights of traffic.
My tears were pouring harder than the flash flood of rain, and I wanted to reach out for help. But the enemy was saying things like, “People are tired of hearing about you. They don’t care anymore. They don’t understand. They will only judge you. No one understands what you have to go through”. However, I know that this blog is one of the ways that the Father reaches out to help me and I should have followed the trail of faith.
So today I want to test those lies of darkness and bring them to the light and see why the enemy wanted to keep me from opening up. I also want to share with you my recent struggles, because there is healing in being vulnerable and real.
I don’t understand why it is necessary to face fears in order to pull them out, but for my personal story, that is the way the Lord has taken me. It hurts to deal with those fears. However, when the fears are confronted with love and truth from the heart of God, they are diminished and become powerless.
Papa is writing me a really inspiring love letter to help me walk through this that I will be sharing soon. The depression that I have been dealing with in this past season has been really difficult. It honestly feels like being in labor for a baby, only this baby is the total deliverance of a fear-filled trauma and encountering the intentional love of God daily. My comfort in the suffering is this, His promise gives me hope. 💚
Love and many, many hugs! Dannette
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