Absorbing Pain




Before I even write this, I just want to say that I might delete it lol. This one is really hard for me because it is raw, painful, and vulnerable. Yet, as usual, the Lord is asking me to step out of the boat of self-comfort for a moment to write to you. 


I had an unexpected change that happened recently that I am still recovering from. With only one day’s notice, the Lord moved us to a different place in the same town. He said it was a short little “detour” before He took us to the place that He promised was next. 


The problem with the change is it was a major downgrade and it also strongly resembles one of the first places that He took us on this faith journey. That time was a time of absolute pain, where I was shedding fear and doubts, while barely scraping up enough money to stay in our room. 


For several days within the move, I hit a really intense depression. The atmosphere and my circumstances all resembled that very difficult past time of lack and desperation. I was blind-sided and confused by the change because the Holy Spirit had been spending months helping me to exercise myself away from the poverty mindset. 


Yet there I was in the midst of poverty and once again not knowing where we would get the money for our survival. Of course, I still had my promises of an ever-present abundance, but I was trapped in a place where I could no longer see it. 


I was like a woman in the final stage of child-birth and in intense anguish. Not only did it look impossible and like the pain of the past was being repeated, but I had gotten approved for an extra grant that God promised us for the 2nd time, and then suddenly it was (again) denied a 2nd time. I was beyond crushed and severely despaired with disappointment. 


Everywhere that I went, I would cry. I would see someone buying home decor at Target and burst into tears because I so desperately wanted God to take us to where He promised we could go. I had to pull over the road several times because I could not see through the flood of tears pouring out of my eyes. 


I didn’t want to talk to anyone, it was too painful. I had one lovely person try to send me a message and I instantly put up the “do not disturb sign” only to later find out that God wanted to send us a financial love gift through her. 


There were other times when I was sitting in a parking lot, sobbing my eyes out, and just when I couldn’t even breathe from all of the weepings, a financial blessing would show up to remind me that Daddy has us in His arms. 


The thing is, for every heart-weakening problem that I had, God had already given me a promise of the opposite. Like a baby being born, when we reach the final state of birthing, it is very common to even forget about the arrival of the baby


At that last stage of birthing, a woman can become so absorbed in the pain, that she forgets that she is in a position to receive the joy of her heart coming to life. For days I have been absorbing the pain of birthing this promised grant for us to go to where God promised, but I have not even been able to think about anything beyond the pain. 


The other night the Lord took me on a “spiritual escape” where He was showing me that He was pulling out those pains and exposing them so that He could take away the pain. He also showed me that He was building a new foundation of memories for us here, without all of the broken cracks and places of disappointment. He is swapping out the negative for positive for us all and turning things around.  


A baby is birthed from the inside out. So being in this opposite atmosphere, means that what God promised is coming from the inside out. To those who are awaiting a fulfilled promise, I need to tell you this. If it looks the opposite of what God promised then you are at your place of birth and the promised moment can happen at any time! In fact, God will cause it to come about unexpectedly, and before you even think it is time. 


It is the ultimate bliss. It is in this place of opposite appearing conditions, that you are blessed in the place of your suffering. It is at that moment that you cannot even pick up your chin to hope again, that God opens the door to your hopes coming true. 


For days, God has been telling me “Rise up! Rise up! Rise out of the pain!” Like the fable of the phoenix who rises out of the burnt ashes of suffering and into majestic beauty. 


For many of us, this is the final push and the time when the head of our promised baby is crowning through the ring of fire and pain. Everything that He promised has been placed within you and as you keep believing, it will suddenly happen before your eyes–even before you are ready. 


When you think it is over and you are absorbing the pain of the ashes, the moment that you let hope in again and rise up–immediately you will be to where you are going. No longer will you remember the pain of where you have been because of the joy and relief of your new baby wrapped up in your arms. 💙





Much love,