I normally would never publish more than one or two posts a day, but today I just need to express myself a little bit extra. Before God asked me to jump for dear life into this plan of living by a supernatural promise of provision, I used to be just like all of the other Christians, I wasn’t that concerned with money and I was always content with what I had.
I blended in perfectly with everyone else posting Bible scriptures but never really needing to see them show up in order to make it another day. I had a home and I used to watch my children play in the yard and climb the snow hills outside in the winter. We each had our own bedroom and my favorite secret pleasure was worship dancing in the kitchen when no one was looking.
I loved to use my crockpot and try out new recipes. Every morning, I would wake up and go to my favorite reading chair, where I would read my Bible and write out my prayers to God. I would spend hours worshiping Jesus and experiencing His glory becoming tangible in my living room. I never missed a single service at church and I always wore the prettiest outfits.
My marriage was not good, but I was well cared for financially. I grew accustomed to the affairs and just kept giving my grief to God for help and healing. I wrote many vows to God and promised to choose Him over anything else. When my ex-husband left us, I realized that I had no way to support myself. It was at that moment that my foundation was exposed and there were many cracks that I never saw before.
I thought I had faith, but inwardly I was harboring many doubts and religious mindsets. My passion was always Jesus and it still is. But something happened to me when I stepped out of my comfortable place and had to believe God to manifest as my ever-present help and support when I had no way to pay for a room and no food to feed my family.
I would have loved to do things my way and work two jobs while enjoying the new life of a single parent. I would have loved to never have been a public spectacle of being humiliated by my weakness of what I needed. I would have loved to never have had my life so crushed, where only God’s promise to me could survive the extreme conditions. I would have loved to have not had to cry myself to sleep for four long years every night when I was afraid of how we would get the next amount of money that we need.
I would have loved to have done things my way, but instead, I agreed to follow Jesus. Having to live through life or death circumstances, while holding nothing but a promise has often crushed my emotions to the point of surrendering into His promise and a miracle despite how I would feel. Often the pressing was so extreme that I had wanted to give up and end everything.
I am a very introverted and quiet person, but because God told me to, I allowed myself to go through this openly. In return, while I was in the blazing furnace of refining publicly, I was called emotionally unstable by some fake Christians who have no clue what it is like to live and die by faith.
I had to die to my ways and accept His. I had to do it because Jesus is my first love and I will follow Him anywhere. And tonight I sit here trying not to panic again because after I pay for my next week in the morning, I don’t know where the next room money or bill money will come from. I would love to scramble around and do things my way, but I am still–even now–choosing to do things His way.
Before I had to believe for an invisible promise from God to manifest out of nowhere in order for my children to have a roof over their heads and food to eat, I used to be like everyone else. I always talked about worshipping only Jesus and nothing else. However, now I have been holding a part of Jesus that I did not have before and that is His words and those words have become tangible for me over and over again.
This journey has brought me to the real Jesus and not just my perfectly projected image of Him that I used to worship. I have learned that He is my literal everything and that He will show up to save us, as a Hero of Love. I have learned that His love can be trusted and that He loves to show up and show off with more than enough loving provision to cover every need.
I used to be like all of the other Christians. However, as I was starting this journey, the Lord showed me that I would be like Dumbo. He said that I would be rejected at first because of my strange difference and what appeared to be a weakness. But then He was going to cause me to fly into such massive promises that I would be like Dumbo flying with big weird ears and the intentional love of a very protective parent.
So for the moment, I just have to endure being different. But one day, God will reveal that this unusual way of living by love letters from God, is actually tapping into the Father’s personal heart and miracle power. Until that time, I will just wait alone and keep breathing through the fire–believing that He will show up to take away the pressure with another fulfilled promise of support. One and then another.
Right now, I just need to breathe and concentrate on His promise to come to the loving rescue. He is, after all, the fourth man in the fire and always there to help. I hope to share with you soon, how His love showed up to be everything we needed again. Thanks for reading and for being there through it all.