This might get messy because I have been choking back tears all morning. However, I sense the Lord leading me to do another one of my “Eminem” posts of being real with raw emotions. You see I am in a place of stepping into something new and at the same time, I am fighting not to go back to the old abusive (fear) mentality.
Walking into a promise from God is painful and anyone who says otherwise has probably never laid their entire life (and whole heart) on the altar with actual faith living. They have never taken God at His word and put their lives and the lives of their loved ones into His hands through dire circumstances, despite every risk that screams from a logical perspective that it would be unsurvivable.
They have never looked at a negative bank account from a hotel room and believed that God would keep His promise to show up with the money to cover the next day through some sort of miracle. Because living by faith means facing fears and the risks of natural conditions.
Living by true, authentic faith is to believe something is real even though there is every reason in the natural to believe it is not. It means risking everything–even unto death- and trusting that God will show up to do just what He promised. The pain that I am talking about is the pain of fear and I don’t know of anything more painful than fear.
I woke up this morning and saw what I had left for the road ahead. I immediately started to add up numbers and try to figure out a plan for survival. The more I looked at the lack and limitation, the more frantic I was and I started to spiral out of faith and into fear.
Even though God had given me a spiritual document to prove that we were no longer in a place of poverty, my first reaction to the presence of fear was to look for my own way and make my own plan–apart from what He said.
For weeks the Lord has been showing me where we are going next, but it doesn’t “look” possible. The moment that I gave into fear, I felt broken inside. I was crying that I could not handle more suffering and I began trying to find ways through the desperation of how to survive.
At the same time, I believe that God’s promises to us are real and I had tested them before. The only way to test those words to be true is to move into what you fear and then trust that God will catch you. If you have ever practiced a trust falls growing up, then you can just imagine the scene.
You are standing backward, blind-folded and you let yourself fall weight-less into the arms of someone else to catch you. Now imagine doing that with the unseen God and you have to press past all of those fears to believe that He will manifest Himself to catch you before you end up shattered on the ground.
That is real faith and I honestly cannot even stand to listen to anyone try to preach on faith who has not been through the inferno of being tested in such an extreme way. No thank you Facebook preachers, keep that perfectly controlled appearance that suggests you know anything about faith to yourself lol. (sorry I am a little bit feisty today!).
Honestly, when I am being tested by faith, I avoid all social media so I can focus on Jesus (the living word) because that is when my faith is the most fragile. My faith is back on the altar of testing again and this morning I was predicting the future out of the pain from my past, instead of trusting in what God has shown me. One thing He is really showing me today is that He is not limited by how He can provide or where it can come from.
A good thing about when fears manifest is that it means they are being pulled out so that more of God’s love can flood in. It is a sign of deliverance. Today I looked at my accounts and how much we would need and I was overwhelmed with fears and doubts instantly. Yet, sometimes the past can be helpful to regain the strength of faith.
I remember before I lived this way (without an income and only by faith), I was living comfortably in a house and studying on faith every day. I didn’t realize that I was storing up faith to be used for this time. I had a dream and in the dream I encountered Jesus. He told me that He wanted me to go to a specific town and then He gave me a promise to be my home, my support, my protection, and my provider.
Jesus promised that He flooded our bank accounts with His abundance. He said after I believed the promise, He would take me to “cash the check”. So I used what money I had to book that hotel room for a few days and then I had only hope that Jesus would show up to catch us.
The week before we left to do that trust fall, I fought through the worst and most painful fears of my life. I couldn’t even get myself off of the dirty old carpet. I cried non-stop and I listened to worship songs about God being a rescuer.
I was totally alone through that darkness and eventually my eyes adjusted to those days of darkness. I was terrified and all I could think about was my babies. I wept day and night and I begged God not to drop my babies. I begged Him to show up and save us. I cannot even express to you the level of pain that came from that deep surrender. I did not know if God would show up, I only had my hope at that point. That was the hardest week of my life.
After we got to the hotel, I was baptized in peace and grace. By some sort of miracle, I was not afraid anymore. Just when we almost ended up homeless on the street, God sent us money through a donation as His miracle rescue. When I look back to how God has rescued us time and time again, it calms my nerves and helps me to trust.
Whatever we focus on is what our minds tend to magnify above everything else. The Father’s promise to my family was not only for the provision, but it was abundant wealth. He showed me that He would cause us to become blessers of many on His behalf. He raises the poor from the ash heap to be seated in a place of honor. Many times I was falsely accused of “loving money” but God knows my heart and that is not even true. Of course, they slandered Jesus too, so I just ignore all that demonic chatter.
I love God and He is my everything. He is my best friend and the only true love I have ever known. He was the only one there with me when the pain was pushing me to end my life. He was the only one there when I vowed my heart to be His always. He was the only one there when I chose to trust Him, even though I was trembling with fear inside. It is only about Jesus for me and I guess that sets me free from those critical opinions and man-made standards.
His promises to us are like the eggs in this basket and one of those promises is money. Yes, money is a promise. Money is not evil, but we are to look to God as our support and to draw those promises from Him and not put our faith in the money. God must always be the first love and loyalty. Jesus is the basket and our Source that will never run out. The Father holds all of our promises in His hands and as we place everything that we need (and worry about) into His hands, then we are able to effortlessly draw those promises out to be fulfilled.
Today, I am going to choose to trust in my promises from God instead of entertaining fear or doubt anymore. I have found that journaling helps me to pour out every worry to God. It seems to help my personality to let go and restabilize myself in God’s love. He promised many things about what is about to come and even though it does not look possible, I am going to choose to take the limits off of Him. Once again I am placing my heart and the hearts of those I love into His hands to protect and to provide for.
Finally, I am going to work on letting go of the past memories of suffering and stop limiting God based on the bad things that I had to endure before. In order for faith to be free and abundant, the faith-blocking emotions need to be removed. Once again, I am putting everything in His promises, despite how things look. My hope is that this time it will be without the pressures of pain and fearful resistance.
I pray that you will also be relieved of every fear and doubt concerning what God promised you. I pray that your faith is energized and that your expectancy in God to show up with miracles would be abounding and uncontrolled in an abundance as you trust in Him above everything else.
Fear and intimidation are a trap that holds you back.
But when you place your confidence in the Lord,
you will be seated in the high place.
Proverbs 29:25 TPT