One of the scariest things about being open and vulnerable is the after-effect it could have. Before I write every ‘faith walk’ post, I always wonder what will be the breaking point of people seeing my true self, that they might judge me and walk away or let go of the loyalty and love of support. However, I started this walk alone and if I have to end it alone with just God and myself then that is a price I am willing to pay. I would rather be honest and real about who I am than be a fake barbie of looking perfect only on the outside.
This post is called “The Blood Test” because it is a test that the Father told me that I would have to pass. He said that he was going to honor me in a place that most who know my story (and even myself) will think that I don’t deserve it. But like Mary who poured her costly oil on the Teacher’s feet, I am going pour my life before Jesus and expose to you today what is true. By myself, I do not deserve any good thing. It is even fair to say that I have been the least deserving by the size of the skeletons in my closet.
However, this is about who Jesus paid for me to be. This is about how His blood spilled over so that mine would be pure and free from stains and dirt. It is like Mary who was delivered from demons but then was blessed to sit in the presence of Jesus, resting in His love. Or like Saul who was the worst persecutor of Jesus, but in the end, was given the highest honor of writing His anointed words.
God takes the least deserving to make him the head and not the tail. He lifts the poor from the dust and takes the beggar out of the trash heap to seat him with kings and high places of prestige and honor. So I am deciding today to share my blood test with you and if I lose every person by showing my flaws, then so be it. I would rather be courageous to be myself than to be a phony liar.
After my ex-husband left, I spent 5 years alone and I was very prideful in my ‘so-called’ strength to deny myself any man until I was given the promised one that God spoke to me. I was too proud of my own strength and that right there was my greatest weakness. Although I did not know at the time, the enemy knew and he played his cards against me.
I fell into a trap when a sweet-talking person approached me. I had forgotten the warmth of how it felt to be loved (although this was not it by a long shot) and I got hooked by an unbeliever and one who was not called by God for me to walk with. After that, it was like I was a fly tape and I kept getting stuck in sins. The Father’s grace abounded so deep with me and even at my worst, He never let me go.
He used that time as a learning curve and showed me many lessons. It was like I was Samson and the sin and deceit weakened my strength. By the end of that season, I had been talking to not only one, but 5 men at the same time through chatting long-distance. I was so remorseful and repentant and the shame that I felt was making me sick.
I cried out to God like Samson did, and I asked Him to give me the strength to take the mess down and to get free from the snares. Papa honored my request and He made a plan to help me. It was not a plan that I understood or liked. He called it the “purge” and He said He was going to make these people flush themselves out by exposing my bad behavior to them. He said it was like using “mothballs” to keep the insects from coming back and devouring my natural life.
I have to die to myself just to write this to you, but my true devotion is to Jesus. Through that experience, the Lord has been teaching me about how to accept His gift of righteousness as my own and not to look at my sins anymore. It is His love that washes all of the bad away and as we are drenched in His love, then we no longer are willing or weakened to fall for the dirty traps anymore. It is at that place of standing in His love and righteousness, that our true purity comes out from within and we no longer like the taste of sin or deceit.
For weeks I have been running and trying to escape the shame of my past. I have been putting into practice the lessons that God gave to me about our identity in Him and how we are now worthy, pure, and flawless. Like Bob Ross says, “there are no mistakes, only lessons that were learned”. Instead of seeing myself by my mistakes, I am going to turn those mistakes into birds that beautify the picture. I am also receiving My honorable identity in Christ, like putting on a pure-white wedding gown.
Just because God has allowed me to write these letters does not mean that I am on any level above anyone else. If anything, by man’s standpoint, I should be the lowest. That is why it gives God so much honor to bless this ministry, because through my personal weaknesses, needs, and fears–His Glory is manifested the best. His blood has made us all worthy and free from past shame. I hope that you will still love and accept me now that I washed my makeup off. But if not, I have Jesus and I always will have His love. God bless, my family.
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