Towards the earlier parts of our ‘living by faith’ journey, there were several moments of disappointment that left me so broken for a while. I remember during the first 2 years, we were barely surviving. God had been blowing me away with phenomenal love letters on His promises of blessings, but at that time I could barely pay my room or buy food.
My faith was being tested in the pressure of refining and we were hardly making it day by day at a hotel. Each day I would scrape up enough for the next day and it was so stressful and fearful. I was fighting so hard in my heart and mind to believe God’s promises for our family–the gifts of His blessings.
I was learning how to pray, how to trust, and how to have faith. I remember several times when I had prayed that we would have enough money to not need to check out of the room. I tried so hard to believe that God would answer those prayers, but when the 11 a.m. check out time had arrived, those prayers were not answered.
I would be in a ball of tears, weeping on the floor in total devastation of the humiliation I would face having to evacuate our room to wait for the next donation. In the privacy of the bathroom, I would cry to God. First is it was pleading, then begging, then anger, and then sorrow…just an awful sorrow of crushed hopes.
It was a pain of growing to trust God and it was beyond painful in my use of words, because it was a battle for my soul. In the exterior, all I saw was the curses of poverty and lack. But in my spirit, the Lord was singing blessings and promises over us. God never let us fall and He always kept His promises. It has been more than 3 years and He kept His vow to keep us from being homeless or on the streets.
As time went by, I developed more trust in depending on His promises to provide for us. Not only was His promise to provide for us, but His promise was wealth itself. But I had to learn not to put my trust in a man-made thing of money, but to put my trust in the Father to be our provider and a promise keeper. God was using that time of wilderness training for me to grow to trust Him and to love Him with all of my heart.
When you start to depend on these love letters and trust in them, there may be times of pain or disappointment as you grow into trusting them and letting the promises of God become ruler over your mind and heart. It is warfare in a full extent, but as you continue to trust in these words, they become one with you and that is when you see the mountaintop of miraculous wonders.
In the beginning parts of this journey of seeing His provisional promises come to pass for our family, we only had enough money materializing to survive one day at a time. Each day, I would pray and pray with constant tears for the room money to show up to pay for one night of shelter.
Living day by day for so long was exhausting because growing in faith is an exercise for the mind, will, and emotions. We have to constantly correct the negative thoughts and trade them for thoughts of faith. And when you are living by death or life survival, it is so much harder than it sounds.
After a very long while of living day by day, God showed up to let us pay week by week. I cannot even express to you the relief of having a whole week or not needing to worry about where to sleep at night. As of the past several months, God has blessed our family to pay month by month.
I just keep crying thankful tears, to be able to rest for a whole month is like heaven. To be honest, I keep having to stop being afraid that something bad will happen. Because when you are accustomed to suffering for so long, it can be hard to come out of the mentality of survival.
The Lord has been showing me that He is about to take us to a new place in about a month that will be unlike anything yet. It will be set up more like a real apartment and each child will have their own room…with a real door! But this is not our promised apartment, only something that will wet our taste buds of what will come. I will have a real stove to cook on and it will feel like a home.
We will pay it month to month, but I have been so terrified about “how” we will do that. It all comes back to the beginning, the promise of God. His promise is the very blood in my veins and I need to come to an absolute surrender into accepting and trusting His word. With that, I am planning to spend more time meditating on His promises so that I can withstand the fear of what things look like versus the provisions that God promised to emerge for us.
The promises of God do not profit it if they are mixed with unbelief. That is why so many people end up hurt and frustrated when they get a prophetic word and it does not turn out. It does NOT mean that they got a false word, it only means that they did not trust, accept it, and believe it in their hearts. I will tell you that when you are depending on a promise or prophetic word, that your circumstances will always look the opposite. That is why you must take the words like a small child and walk by faith and not by sight.
I pray that you will be stirred and refreshed with fresh faith, as you are strengthened in your inner man to trust, hope in, and rely on God’s words. Such hope in His goodness will not disappoint us~ .God blessings!
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Those people in the wilderness heard God’s good news, just as we have heard it, but the message they heard didn’t do them any good since it wasn’t combined with faith. Hebrews 4:2 The Voice