I had a really difficult past 2 days. For 2 days I couldn’t stop sobbing. Before the sobbing sessions started, I had a vision from the Lord about healing. He showed me that He was removing 2 magnets out of my soul that were attracting negative things due to my woundedness so that I would not have to suffer the same heart-wrenching pain that I had before.
After seeing the magnets, I had two nights in a row of “dream memories” of some of the most painful times in this journey. When I first woke up after those dreams, I was so afraid of that pain happening again, that I couldn’t do anything but pray and cry. At that time, I didn’t understand that God was healing my memories and I was terrified that we would have to suffer again.
In fact, last night’s dream was so painful and really I don’t know how to share that with you fully. I really have only shared about 20 percent of the suffering that I had been through when trusting God for miraculous provisions to cover our rooms and food.
Most of the time, I was spread out on the floor weeping and praying, as I fought to get through the layers of doubt and unbelief in my thinking. I remember needing food and I was so distraught, pleading with God about who I should ask. For a little while, I had my perspective all wrong and I started to put my trust in people, instead of God to remember our delicate needs.
This has been my meditation this week, As for the rich in this world, charge them not to be proud and arrogant and contemptuous of others, nor to set their hopes on uncertain riches, but on God, Who richly and ceaselessly provides us with everything for [our] enjoyment.1Timonthy 6:7
Because I had my heart in the wrong place, I was even more devastated when so many that I thought were loyal friends had left and turned their backs on helping us. I felt so hurt by trusting in people and not in God. I felt so abandoned and rejected.
Some of the most loyal friendships and supporters had left me over a difference in opinion or judgment. I learned more than ever to love God and people but to put my trust in God to keep His promises to me and then trust Him to move the hearts of those who could help.
After a while, the Holy Spirit started to take me through this to see that those bad “dream memories” were His way of healing my soul from the trauma and removing the magnets of attraction. Before a wound can heal, it needs to be exposed to the air.
Pain can be like a magnet and if we don’t heal from those traumas, then we can actually attract more pain. The soul needs to be healed of those negative feelings and emotions so that we do not continue to attract more pain, problems, rejection, abuse, etc.
It takes time to heal a traumatic memory embedded in the brain. In order to replace the bad, we need new good memories and times of experiencing His goodness. When He says to let go of the past, that means that pain is over and will not happen again. After a while, the wound heals, leaving only the memory of how God entered that area of our life with His healing love.
It is freeing and liberating for me to set my focus up to God and not be pulled in different directions by the unhealed wounds in other people’s souls. We have to understand that everyone has things that they are going through and often many people have layers of bad “magnet memories” too. The truth always comes out in the end, as God draws those hearts back together.
I just have to decide that I am going to trust Him and really believe with all of my heart that He will continue to provide for us in all ways, just as He promised. That scares me because there is a part of me that still needs to trust Him. I know that after all that He has carried us through, I should have total trust by now. But sometimes when a person has had a very traumatic past, it takes even more time to build a very good relationship of trusting in kindness.
I was in a very dark place of pain just the other night after these fears were coming at me. I was weeping into my shirt sleeve and asking God, “why did you save me?”…because I was adopted when abortion was legal to a pair of 14-year-old parents. Then I grew up in abuse. I had gotten married into abuse and now I am facing these fears that make my heart feel like it wants to explode.
Yet after every fear raises its head at me, Jesus steps in to save me and show Me that He is a loyal and ever-present help. He shows every day His intentional love, but sometimes being the damsel in distress is exhausting. The good news is He gave me a sneak preview of a time to come for our family where there is just rest….no pressure, no struggle…just rest!
I apologize to those that I have also turned my back on or brushed away. It was me, not you. It was that area of my soul that was still hurting over something that had nothing to do with you. I hope that I can share a good report soon, of more happy memories of seeing God work wonders and reveal the fulfillment of promises. I also pray that if you have any bad memory magnets, that God would pull those things out of your soul so that you can begin to see all things new and improved. Sending lots of love and blessings from our (room) home to yours!