The other night in my dream, I was aboard a spacious and lovely cruise ship with the Lord. When I looked out the window, I saw a large shark circling, ready for an attack. I have learned from the love language that I have with the Holy Spirit that a shark (for me) symbolizes a type of dark spirit that attacks areas of past pain…aka areas where we are still bleeding.
We have all heard it said that if we don’t heal from our traumas, that they are possible to repeat again. Just like an abused child growing up to marry an abusive spouse. So I have been talking to the Holy Spirit to see what I needed to heal from to prevent this attack.
That next day, a friend with a baby asked me to deliver her milk. I stood with this friend out in her garden, admiring all of the beautiful birds. My friend had sliced oranges out to feed the birds and it reminded me of a time that was the most painful on this specific faith journey.
We were at a hotel in Florida and I was frantic about getting money to continue to pay the room. Even though God had made me a promise of constant provision, the money was running out. My friend sensed a word from God and called me. She started to tell me about how she has to stop putting out oranges for her birds before winter, or they would never leave. She told me that my money had been running out because God was about to shift us into a new place.
That same day, I could no longer afford to pay for the room that God had brought us to. I used the last few dollars that I had to take an Uber to the Hospital. I was in a place where I was a stranger and there was nowhere to go and I had nobody who I could call for help. By that time, I had begged for money from all of my family and they shunned me, criticized me, and shut me out. My hope was that we could find some kind of miracle at the hospital.
I no longer had food money or room money for my children. We sat at the hospital for several hours completely lost and alone. It took all of my strength not to break down and cry. I was fighting with my life to be strong for my kids and to keep giving them hope that God would not break His promise. Finally, there was a person who agreed to come to get us and we were given a room for a week.
That week was another story of itself because it was really torturous. But on the way to the person’s, house, I felt like I had become nothing. Like every ounce of my being fell to dust in complete shame and disappointment. I was so angry at God because He promised and I thought that promise would look differently. Everything that I had ever believed about God was being challenged by feeling completely shattered to nothing.
Moving forward back to this time (which is about 3 years later of experiencing constant daily financial miracles), my faith was staring back at the memory. The Lord kept bringing up reminders. Like a song that I played on repeat when I was facing the most horrendous fears of my life of being homeless. God had always promised that I would not be homeless, but this song brought me back to battling those fears. It was “Save Me” by Stephanie Gretzinger. At that deep pressure of faith-testing, I was clinging to Jesus with every breath for survival.
There were other things too. The breaking point was this week. After paying our weekly room rate, phone bill, and food over the weekend, I had been completely emptied. It had been a very long time since God had allowed me to see such an empty cup. I was down to $9 and more memories flooded my mind of when I ran out of money at that little hotel in Florida and experienced the most painful moment I can remember.
Yet at the same time, it was bitter-sweet. I have such lovely memories of that same time when I would look at the turtles across the street in the pond and I would remember God’s promises. Or how we would watch “Friends” marathons and I would always sense Jesus singing that song to me “I’ll Be There For You”.
Florida was a place I loved and even when I was a kid, I dreamed about living there. Who would have known that the most pain and beauty would be born in Florida? Because when I was so broken, Jesus was the only One who was ever there to hold me and wipe My tears. He was the only One who ever prevented my fears and who calmed me, like comforting a baby.
I needed to walk through these memories with you to help myself release that pain. I pray that you could keep us in your prayers, to be safe from a shark attack and that the Lord would also refill us back to brimming goodness of plenty. We have so much that God has promised us and each day we are moving closer to seeing it all emerge.
In order to achieve miracles by faith, it is crucial to keep faith fresh. Every day we should look at His promises with the purity of a child and not through the pain of past experiences. The things that we have suffered before are no longer for today. There must be a release of the past because this a new day and we are at a new level of encountering His abundance. That is why pain must be dealt with before we can effectively move forward.
As a way to release these painful memories, I also pray for you now. I ask that the Lord would send His angels to take away any pain that you have been carrying. I pray that the Lord would conceal any ‘spiritual’ scent of pain and that instead of seeing anything you fear repeat again, that you would see blessings, blessing, and more blessings!
To send a blessing: