For many months now the Lord has been telling me that this was a new time and that the past pain would not be revisited. It was so hard for me to believe because I was seeing everything through the experience of suffering. God would be saying one thing and I would be seeing another in the natural. On top of that illusion, I processed my faith through the memory of the afflictions and that always gave way to fear and doubt.
He has given my family two big mountains of promise. The first promise was for financial abundance that would later be used to help others through a very monumental time. In order to draw out the promise into fulfillment, the Lord put us into the opposite conditions. I went to a hotel with no money, only my promise.
For those 3 years, I have had my faith pressed and refined in preparation. The second promise that He gave is one that I will be stepping into soon and that is a promise of miracle healing. One thing I always asked the Lord, is that I would not have to walk through both situations at the same time, because it takes insane focus to believe in the fire.
The other night, I was overwhelmed by it all, the 3 years of facing fears and hanging from the cliff of uncertainty. During that night of weeping, the Holy Spirit showed me that I needed to surrender the ashes. We cannot be free from something if we are unwilling to let go. In every situation, I was surrounded by memories and circumstances of pain.
I knew that this could not be something that I just prayed through and moved on. The grief was too much on my soul for that. So I prayed and I asked God to give me away release it in a powerful way. In my heart, I pictured a person finally letting go of a significant loss and releasing the ashes once and for all into the magnificent ocean. Since there is a promise on this ministry that God would recycle the pain, I finally decided to release it into a blog post today.
The things that the Lord showed me was not understood by others and I was misunderstood too often. I was repelled against and criticized when I followed the Lord down this lonely path. I lost nearly everyone, except for the few of you that God has blessed into my life. No one knew how hard the sacrifice was to trust Him in this way. Putting my kids in a hotel room, when I had nothing to give and no way to provide for them was the scariest thing I had ever done.
I was all alone and there was nowhere to go and no one to help me. Yet I knew that God was real and I truly believed in His promises to me and my family…even more than I believed in life itself. I cannot take credit for that, it had to be a gift from God to believe in such away.
There were so many times (more than I can count) when I spent hours crying my eyes out in fear of how we would survive. There were even times when God did not send us the money to cover our room until after I had given up and packed up our few belongings.
Being pressed into such extreme faith is painful. It means facing the monsters of fear and dread and all of terrible ‘what ifs’ that could happen. Nothing broke my heart more than looking at my beloved children and hoping that God would care for them and protect them, as my heart longed to do. Of course, He never failed me or them.
His power manifests the best through our weaknesses and needs. Sometimes in that time of weakness is also when pain is present because fear is tormenting. I had to learn that He was faithful and trustworthy through experience. Very often I had to learn to trust in Him in life or death experiences and the situations were agonizing.
There were even select moments when I had begged to die rather than live in such extremes anymore. He showed me why it was that way and He revealed the future things that He has planned for this ministry. I cannot even share it because of reverential respect for God. The magnitude is bigger than I can even wrap my mind around.
One of the hardest things for me was learning to lean on the support of others and at the same time facing the hate and judgment of others. It was love and bitterness at the same time. I am finally understanding that everything goes through Jesus. When we need something or when I feel pain, I lean into Him and then He sends those who will help. I look to Him to see who I can open up to and who I should not. When He puts it into my heart to reach out, then I have to trust Him and follow.
When I first started this crazy ride, I saw promises differently. I thought that what He promised me would happen later. As I walked down this faith trail, He showed me that the promise was my provision every day…here and now. He also showed me that in order to step into a promise that we need to lose sight of where we are and where we have been.
Faith must be fresh and we have to be washed in the purity of faith. That means that I cannot keep seeing every circumstance through the pain of the process. I need to see that I have my promise now. When we can begin to see and think and feel as if we already have the promise…that is real faith!
Entering into a promise is becoming a promise. For many days the Lord has been singing “A Wonderful World” to me by Louis Armstrong. He told me to stop looking at all that I have been through and to stop paying attention to how things look now. By faith, He has been showing me to see myself with my promises and to even indulge my senses into those promises, by imagining how it feels. Because when we believe that we have already received it, then it is ours.
So today I am going to let go of these ashes—this pain that has been consuming me for all of this time. If God says those days are over, why would I want to invite them to stay by holding on? Surrender requires trust and trust takes courage. In order to reach the level of faith that obtains and dwells in the fulfillment, then we must be willing to lose sight of the past and every difficult experience.
I am terrified to let go and I cannot explain it. There is that small part of me that fears the shame and humiliation of getting it wrong. But this is about opening up my heart to trust God and believe what He says. I have spent enough time in this place of thinking about pain. I give it to you Jesus and I thank you for taking such good care of us. You never failed, not one thing I ever feared has happened. Thank you for this new day and refreshment of faith. Thank you for your Promise.
To send a blessing: