One of the very first dreams of spiritual discernment that the Holy Spirit gave me when we first arrived at our new location was a territorial attack. Fist, I was standing in front of this massive lion (the adversary) and I was trying to fly with faith over him. Normally, in my dreams, I am able to fly over the dark spirits by faith and positive thoughts.
But this time it was like my feet were stuck on the ground. Then the Lord showed me a demonic attack that was like vandalism against me. I had these huge tires of faith and the darkness slashed big holes in them to deflate with doubt. They were like a group of mean teenagers who were bullying me with so much hatred.
After that dream so much happened. I was hit with unexpected bills that I had to pay. One of them was for this very website and the annual dues to keep it open. My computer broke, my phone was cut off, and I was attacked with slander and false accusations. The donations dried up, except for a few to cover our meals. The worst part was my faith was clouded with so much doubt and I was being tormented by fear.
Thankfully we are never alone and I called out to Jesus for help. He gave me a couple of strategies, along with a promise to rescue. He also kept telling me Isaiah 54:17…no weapon formed against us will prosper. One of the strategies I cannot share because, like any kind of war, some plans need to remain secret.
The other strategy to break through the opposition that He gave was to humble myself openly and ask for help. Jesus knows that even though I have had to do this many times, every time it is very heart wrenching for me. I think partly because of the past humiliation and also because I have a promise from Him that I will be blessed as a big giver to make up for all of this hardship of faith-testing.
If I can share my heart with you, I have to say that I have been fighting off cantaloupe-sized tears of hurt and disappointment. You all know how worried I was about coming back to the place of painful memory and how God told me that this time would be different. All last week He kept saying “easy blessings” and “financial rest”. And even today He was showing me these beautiful prophetic signs of help on the way, but all I have seen was dust.
And I have battled staying in His plan too. I wanted to give up and I felt so much anger at how long and how far He has asked us to go. I felt like I was drowning on the inside from hurt and exhaustion. I went against His plan in anger and started to attend job interviews to do things my way because His way was too uncomfortable.
I realized when I went to these interviews that I actually looked like what I had been through. My clothes were tattered rags and I had big holes in my boots. One after another, I was sent away with rejection and humiliation. I walked to Walmart looking at clothes with tears running down my eyes. I was so hurt that I had to go this way, instead of doing things my way.
At the same time, when I think about what He promised me, I get so excited inside. I return to a child again and I find myself humming, “fairytales can come true..they can happen to you…if you are young at heart”….sigh.
Despite all of the pain and whirlwind of feelings, I am surrendering back into His plan and His words (at least I will try). I need help and I am humbling myself now to ask. Since the Lord is directing this journey, I will take this risk of embarrassing myself once again and I will hope in kindness.