Yesterday I was trying to use my faith to access our needs and overcome this situation. Right in the middle of my faith decrees and prayer, the Lord interrupted me with a vision. The vision was words written in scripture and it read, “wounded spirit”. I could sense that this was something that needed to be dealt with in order for me to proceed to the next faith level.
I asked the Holy Spirit to show me what He was talking about and He led me to the usage of a wounded spirit in The Passion Translation. In this version, a wounded spirit is referred to as ‘depression’.
The will to live sustains you when you’re sick, but depression crushes courage and leaves you unable to cope.
Proverbs 18:14 TPT
I kept this page open and trusted that God would bring the rest of the revelation to maturity. Then last night I tossed and turned anxiously almost all night long and I knew exactly why. The reason I was suffering last night was that I have not been able to sleep on the nights when I have to pay my room the next morning.
The sad part is that I had the money that I needed to pay for today’s shelter, but the memories of past pain were haunting me. That is when the Lord revealed to me the place of a wounded spirit. For me, the wounding was from a hopeless attitude. This past summer left a mark that needed healing.
I wrote about the pain and suffering of trying to live by supernatural faith often, but I withheld so much and softened the experience often. There were so many times when I needed to pay for our room and my faith was pressed beyond the threshold of what I could handle.
Time and time again, the Lord would not release the money for our room until the last several minutes and there was even a time when it came late and by God’s grace we were not evicted. For a season, almost every night I was curled up on the floor, drenched in tears with my face resting on the cold bathroom tiles. I remember sobbing so hard that I couldn’t breathe and begging God to let me die.
At that time, I was like a baby bird learning to fly by faith and the deep pressure was pulling out the fear and doubt…it was purifying the soul. Part of me believed that God would be faithful to His word and materialize provision for us. Yet part of me was distrusting Him and afraid that I would end up on the side of the road with my children. Just the thought of it left me broken. Even though God promised me the exact opposite, the fear was a turbulent force to resist thinking about.
I was fighting for my life to believe that God was there, as the God who sees me and that He would reveal the hidden water. It was so hard to believe because if God didn’t show up, it would have been utterly devastating.
A baby bird has to be willing to fall in order to fly and that was exactly what I was doing. I was falling and sometimes I was flying. At times I would be so upset and disappointed when I would have to reach out and ask for help. Little did I see then, that there were times when He wanted me to reach out because of my lifetime of resisting anyone coming close to me. It was all ways that I was learning to see Him in every second and in more ways than one.
The little bird isn’t born knowing how to fly, but she learns with practice. Like the little bird, I was learning that the thoughts that I chose to think about were like the wings that a bird flutters to ease the shock of falling and eventually be lifted up over every problem. Yet that pain left a deep imprint in my heart that has been hindering me from reaching the high places that He has been promising.
Part of seeing new levels of bigger blessings and tangible faith requires letting go of the past heaviness and pain. It means giving Jesus the shadow of what hurt so badly and then trusting that He has something new planned for today. It means believing that He has good news for the poor and that it is a time of comfort for those who mourn.
This is part of renewing our mind to reach the promises of an answered prayer. He said that if we believe that we have received what we pray for, then it is ours. But I have found it is very hard to believe when we are still hurting over the past disappointments or even holding onto bitterness for the past suffering.
So today is a day to pause and remember that wound that so deeply hurt and then as the memory comes to the surface, it needs to be given to Jesus. It is too destructive on my faith to hold onto that heartache. There are too many ample possibilities of seeing dreams come true and surprises emerging to be held back with a wounded spirit any longer. Today the Lord showed me to be very transparent with this post. I am trusting that He will bring something beautiful out of all of it. 🙂
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