This is the hardest post I have ever had to write so far and I am revealing a very private scar. As I thought about if I could handle writing this, I came to the conclusion that I have nothing to lose. Surely I don’t write for applause, but I write because it’s my passion. Quite honestly, as long as I have the Holy Spirit as my best friend, then that is what matters. He has been the One who has loved me unconditionally with continuous kindness. So with trust in Him, here goes…
A few minutes before the new year rolled in and I was in my bed with a high fever. I had tears rolling down my cheeks because I felt so awful. All I could do was panic about how I was supposed to keep up with this blog if I was not healthy. After all, the Lord directly had told me before ever getting this far that my blog was my income.
As I went to sleep, the Holy Spirit showed me a dream about making this confession. I believe it is because things are about to change fast and not how I had expected. To begin, about a year ago the Lord gave me a vision and He told me to go for a mammogram. The Lord gave me a word of knowledge and He said that there was deadly cancer hiding in me, but that He has already sent a word to heal me.
He also told me that when everything came out, it was going to look very bad and the chance of my survival would look impossible. He said the reason it would look so bad was that the natural will always look the opposite of a promise and I had a personal promise of healing. It was not just one vision or one word, but the Lord showed me over and over and over that I had stage 4 cancer, but that He would heal me.
I went headfirst into reaching for this star of promise, like a kid ready to take on the world. But things did not go as I had expected and I was shattered by disappointment. After the first mammogram the high level of density that I had left my report unreadable. I took some other tests and they never said yes or no.
For an entire year, I was humiliated by doctors and treated as if I was crazy. All the while, the Holy Spirit would assure me that what He spoke was reality. Not only was I humiliated by the doctors, but I suffered severe disappointment that left a very ugly wound that I have kept hidden until now.
I still know without a doubt that what the Lord showed me is true, but I learned a very painful lesson about going ahead of Him and boasting when I was supposed to stay silent. In my heart, I thought it would please the Lord for me to walk by faith as if it were time already. However, I was trying to control His plan and timing. For that, I am deeply sorry.
As I was chasing my tail, trying to prove what God showed me, I had other health situations happening. On the first night of the year, I had to sleep sitting up, as I always do lately. I had been suffering from stomach fluids flowing up my throat and I was to a point of overdosing on medications to try to alleviate the horrible discomfort. About a week ago I had an upper endoscopy and they determined that I need surgery.
Also happening this month is a long-awaited appointment with a lung doctor because I have had a very hard time breathing and some other things happening too. All of these problems are coming together and I am still upset that things did not turn out as I expected. I am hoping that maybe soon the Lord would open up what He showed me and deliver me from the faith humiliations.
I am learning that He shows me things that are way far ahead. This last year was the most painful and disappointing year I have had yet. The Lord keeps showing me that I need to let go of all that I have been through because everything is new now. However before I move into what is new, I need to publically apologize for speaking in faith before it was time. I am incredibly embarrassed and so disappointed. I was so excited for the doctors to diagnose me with what the Lord showed me was hiding so that I could start grabbing my promise of healing.
Without the darkness, the stars do not shine as bright. There have been so many times that I ended up being thankful for the bad things that I went through because it makes the sweetness of a fulfilled promise so much sweeter. So from now on, I am going to do my best to walk in line with God and not run ahead with the revelations that He shows. I learned that there are times to stay silent and patiently wait on the Lord. I also learned that His plan will not always be as we expect, because from what I have experienced so far, He loves to give surprises.
I have a load of relief now just taking off my “make-up” and baring myself with honesty to whoever reads this. I also would like to ask for your help of kindness, as I try to figure out how to do surgery and still take care of my family with food and shelter needs. I also have a doctor order to get my breast MRI but the test is an hour away from where we are at and I need extra help to cover transportation.
If the Lord draws your heart to help us cross this bridge, I trust that He will repay you with extra blessings. I also pray for your forgiveness for painting a different story than what God has given at this time and for this part of the page.
Lay yourself bare, facedown to the ground, in humility before the Lord; and He will lift your head so you can stand tall. James 4:10 The Voice