Before this week even started there was this line to a song that the Lord kept singing to me. The lyrics He was singing was about when we need to make a decision and don’t know what to do, that He will be there to guide us. Even if we make the wrong choice, He will be ready to help and love us unconditionally. It was all about love, kindness, and grace.
I was like a baby learning to walk. There were times when the Father needed to let go and give me practice learning to balance. Of course, the baby falls often in the beginning, but the protective parent is always there to set the child back up and praise him for his efforts.
It was similar for me. I went ahead of God and He allowed me to try walking and making my own decisions. I made several mistakes, but He was there to help me come back to the path that He had for me. Like my name, after I changed it and went to all kinds of extremes, I was hit with a storm of chaos and I knew that I was lost. However, Jesus was the Good Shepherd to help me find my way back to who I am.
There were also many of Job’s friends that have come along the way, saying things that were spiritual and even biblical, but the peace of Jesus was not there and the voice of a stranger I will not follow. However, just like Job, the Lord will always come to our defense and rescue. I have noticed that God loves to choose to manifest His glory through those that the arrogant discredit and label as unstable or imperfect with weakness.
Sometimes the pain of what we go through can make it hard to walk or even crush our desire to keep pressing into faith. I had a few times this week that I got to such a low place of pain and weakness, that I was sobbing and asking God to not heal me. My will to keep going was hanging by a thread. If I can be honest, I was even angry for ever being born. I did not want to suffer for one more day.
But then I read this story of a little lamb who should have been dead. The little lamb had been born with his front legs broken and could not walk. He had to be carried close to his Shepherd’s heart. Instead of killing the lamb or selling him for food, the farmers made leg braces for the lamb, so that his legs could heal.
The farmers said that they could tell that the little lamb had a will to live and a fighting spirit, so they could not give up on him yet. The little lamb started off with wobbly knees and eventually was able to walk again.
After many tears and then reading that story, the Lord started to talk to me about how He already gave me what I was desperately crying for. I could not even deny it, as I remembered His words. He told me, “you can afford to support your family. Your bank is full of money and flooded with My love”. Both promises were given in the present tense.
Yet like the crippled little lamb, the pain of past abuse and devastating disappointments had me in a place of resisting what He had given to me. The promise was already established, but I refused to believe it because I could not see it. I kept logging into my bank account to see it was empty and it looked hopeless that we could survive. The doubt and distrust that I had were pushing away and resisting His love. However, faith is like a magnet that pulls the unseen promises up from the well of living water within us to become manifested into our circumstances.
When the little lamb was still healing, the painkilling medication had caused his fleece to fall out. Lately, I have been in so much pain, that I got lost and I was not focusing on my promise. I was trying to numb the pain with distraction, instead of soaking in the healing balm of His words. Everything that I have been weeping over has already been given to me, I just needed to receive it and believe it. When God gave me the promises, He gave me only one thing to do. He told me (audibly) “Just Believe”.
There were no other things that He required of me (sorry Job’s friends to disappoint you). He only said to believe. Everything is already within us, as a locked-up fountain of His expressed love. He also told me that this was something that I had to conquer within. Every person has to venture through different things to be able to believe and trust. Healing comes differently for everyone, like snowflakes we are unique. For those of us who have been severely traumatized, the process is a little bit intensive.
The next faith exercise that He has me working on is about the power of faith to focus and draw those blessings out. I am hoping to put away the distractions of doubt and trust with concentrated focus. I may not be answering emails or messages as often, so please don’t be offended. This is something that I need to do to recover from the pain and renew my thoughts to align with His promises because what I have been desperate for has already been given.