I am going to open up about something that I very rarely have written about. If I can be honest, my heart is trembling because it is a huge risk for me to trust the Father’s protection. What I am going to share is an origin point of this faith journey. I spent over a decade in a spiritually, emotionally and verbally toxic relationship. I was a stay-home wife with precious little kids.
The man that I was with had many affairs and eventually the final one was when he left. Every time that he would cheat on me, my heart was broken. The abuse was severe with the most hurtful words that I had ever heard. I was dying inside from pain and I was so afraid. I had a very unique financial situation from a past bad decision that left me powerless to support myself.
I used to stay up at night crying to God about how I could ever take care of myself if this man ever left me. The man used to raise himself up over me with mocking words to say that God would never support me. It felt like I was a hostage. The worst part, was anytime that I built up enough courage to leave, he would say things to hurt the kids and get them involved.
I had settled on the fact that the rest of my life would have to be one of suffering because I was snared by a hook of abuse. Then one night the Lord gave me an encounter and He brought in an angel that was like a hospital angel. I had a big hook in my toe and anytime that I tried to remove it myself, my toe would gush with more blood and pain. I looked up to this angel and I said: “can you help me?”. Then so easily, she pulled out the hook and when she did it, the procedure was painless.
After a little time, the man gave me permission to take the kids to Florida, so that he could move in with his mistress. That was a miracle from God because this man was always so controlling. That few years of being in Florida, there were many miracles that God performed for us. God supernaturally provided for me, even though it was seemingly impossible. I never thought that I could survive and God showed me that He was my faithful provider.
The other way that God revealed Himself to me was as my protector. The man tried many tricks and traps to hurt me or the kids while we were there and every time God showed up to deliver me from every fear. The number of fears that I had to face to heal from this toxic relationship was unbelievable. Yet there was not one instance that God allowed anything that I feared to happen.
Sometimes I would just lay down on the floor in Florida and cry because I was so terrified of a man who I thought had the power to hurt me. Time and time again, I had to lay my children in Abba’s hands because the thought of losing them was too agonizing to imagine. Still, God showed kindness and loving protection.
I want you to know that if you are going through hell and scared to trust God for something serious, like loved ones or finances, He really is faithful. The thing is, you have to give Him everything that you are worried about. You have to take what terrifies you and place it in His hand. Otherwise, we are holding onto the problems, instead of surrendering to Him to work it out.
Even now, I am still healing. I have had to give Him so many worries today about my kids and Christmas and other dreads that I will not speak about now. Just as God was with Moses to save him from Pharoah. The Lord said to Pharoah, “I raised you up for this very purpose, to display My power in [dealing with] you, and so that My name would be proclaimed in all the earth.”
I can tell you that the deliverance of the Lord is real and no matter how impossible your situation looks, He is faithful to alleviate the affliction and bring the comforts of freedom. I am still progressing to get to the place where I am able to laugh again. I am still healing from it all, but I can tell you that I am nothing now like that terrified girl that I was then. God is a miracle worker and faithful Friend.
The fear of man brings a snare, but whoever trusts in and puts his confidence in the Lord will be exalted and safe. Proverbs 29:25