Before this last week rolled in, God gave me the message to trust in Him and not to try to understand how things would happen. He gave me a dream about the lights going out and in my dream, I was so scared because I couldn’t find Him. This time that I have currently been in has been about trusting Him in a place that I did not understand to help me in ways that I did not expect. So much had changed. The donations were almost stopped and I had no idea what God would do. All I had to cover our needs for a room and food was my promise from Him.
The worries that were bombarding me were too much to take and I knew that I needed to give them to God. I had a new journal, but just writing down my needs to God was not enough because I was so afraid. And I know it sounds crazy coming from me after God has miraculously provided for me and my children for 2 years. But I am being completely real with you about what I was facing. I never did like being in the dark….
One night before our room had to be paid for and food needed to be bought, the only way that I could figure to give these burdens to Jesus was to press my soul into His. I called this new exercise, “pressing in”. Instead of the usual love letters that Jesus wrote to me, I wrote Him my burdens and worries into an anguishing soul release. Before I went to sleep one night, I wrote:
“I don’t know how to trust you right now there is so much that I don’t understand. I give you my fear about tomorrow’s room money that I need in the morning. God, please don’t make me walk through the same pain and humiliation again. I pray, let me wake up to the money that I need. You see my weakness and I am sorry for doubting with fear. Please manifest comfort to me”
I understand that this was probably not the biblically awesome kind of prayers that people write about in books, but this was my heart. Remember that when I wrote these prayers I was in a very low and weak place. This was the raw pain that I felt and I took that weakness and I used all of my strength to press it into Him.
The next morning, I did not wake up to money. However, God put it into my heart to call my bank about a charge that I did not recognize on my ledger. When I called the bank, I was given favor and grace. The bank gave me a financial credit and my room was paid for in a way that I did not expect or see coming.
Another day, I was overwhelmed again with the needs in front of me. Before this week, I was in a very high place of faith and seeing miracles happen continuously. But there was something about being in the dark, that brought my faith to the lowest and weakest it has been in a very long time. That night before bed, I pressed my soul into Jesus and used all of my heart to release my worries to Him.
“How do I let go of the past disappointment, if I keep getting disappointed? I thought things would be different here as you said. I give you my dread of waking up to no money. I give you the pain that I feel when there are no donations and having to walk through this desert experience. I give you the fears of the bad things that could happen tomorrow and I pray that we do not have to check out or suffer humiliation. I ask you to show yourself as my manifested hope. Please be kind and generous to me and give me grace over all unbelief and bitterness”
The next morning, I woke up with an empty bank account and no donations came through the night. I deeply wanted to trust God to show up but I was sinking quickly into despair. I went to the back parking lot of the hotel and I just wept uncontrollably and I asked God if I could just go home with Him.
Then I had this weird desire to post something vulnerable on my personal facebook, which I very rarely ever do, unless God leads me because I am private by nature. I made a facebook post that I was at the end of my hope and needed a miracle, with a teardrop emoji. After a minute, I deleted the post out of embarrassment. The weird thing that happened, is that even though the post was deleted, people still saw it. I had one person that God used to rescue us that morning to be our manifested hope and that person sent just enough money for our needs to be met.
For several days this is how it has been. The room has been faithfully paid for, but it has been coming from a place of trusting God when it is beyond what I can see or understand. There have been treasures coming out of the darkness. Even though it may look like a desert on the outside there has been a Wellspring of Love bubbling up to take care of us. What I really love is that I can be myself with Jesus and He understand my weakness and imperfect ways. He is so beautiful in every way.
“You are so intimately aware of me, Lord. You read my heart like an open book and you know all the words I’m about to speak before I even start a sentence!” Psalm 139:3-4
Even now, I am writing this blog, not fully understanding why God would have me do it. I really hope that there is something in this that encourages and blesses a person who reads the struggles that I have had and the unique ways that God has moved to be our rescue. Sometimes, we just have to find a way to make our souls release the toxic worries that keep us from His promise of rest. I pray that you and I are able to continue to release those worries to Him and be blessed instead. Thank you for reading and for your kindness!
“Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest”
~ Matthew 11:28