The town that the Lord brought us to is a tourist town in the summer. For a while leading up to this weekend, I could see that it was going to be impossible without a miracle to stay here. Not only this weekend, but we are depending on God to give us a miracle for the next several days, as the business increases. Every night from now to the beginning of August has already been booked. Thankfully, we were able to catch a reservation. I was hoping to leave this place, mostly out of fear of how impossible it looked, but the Lord did not give me peace about leaving. There is a purpose for this. When I prayed about leaving, God kept reassuring me that He is my Father and not to worry.
Leading up to this weekend, the Lord had been ministering to me that I still had some healing that I needed to deal with over the past pain and disappointments. It was a struggle for me to surrender my kids into His care. I was always so worried that the kids would suffer and I was holding unbelief in my heart towards God to be a Good Father to my children, because of the past pain that we had to walk through. Even though His gentleness kept reassuring me that things are different now, I was inwardly still holding a grudge. Before the first miracle was needed (which was Friday), God was comforting me to say that what I feared would not happen. He also gave me massive amounts of confirmation that He would bring us financial miracles through this situation.
All through the week, I had been diving deep in my heart to surrender completely to God and trust His plans for us. The night before the first miracle was needed, the money came through with ease and my heart was lifted with so much relief because I had been dreading that first miracle morning. After Friday’s miracle, I prepared to “fly by faith” and felt ready to pass the next faith test. From Friday night into Saturday morning, I did not have what we needed for the room. I thought things were going so good because I was thinking about my promises and staying in a place of expectation.
Thinking nothing of it, as I was praying, I started to pack up the room (just in case). Instead of holding my place of faith and trust, I had one hand on my unbelief and lack of trust in the Father to keep His promise. Of course, my daughter asked me why I was packing and from there it was a downward spiral of unbelief and worry. I was so worried about my kids and my lack of trust in God to be good to them, that I completely failed the faith test. The crazy part is a few days before this happened, I had a night vision of having “child-like” faith. In the vision, I confidently jumped up to dive into the deep end of the pool. Then, out of fear, I grabbed the handrails of the pool and hit my head. Immediately, Jesus jumped into the pool to pull me up and comfort my pain.
That is exactly what happened spiritually this morning, I started off so full of confident faith and then I took my kids out of God’s hand and went into a downward spiral of fear and panic. At the very last minute, my hopes were crushed and all my faith went out the window. I reached out to a couple of people for help and they helped us to stay. I know that God knew what was going to happen before it ever did and that He prepared for this moment in advance. Yet the way that this morning worked out really hurt because I had so much expectation for seeing a miracle move of God. The lovely part is that God will surely allow me to retake the test until my trust in His care is perfected.
I felt that I needed to expose this openly, to bring the necessary healing from those past memories. I have always been extremely overprotective as a mother and I need to surrender that part of my heart to Him. There is a really beautiful miracle brewing within and I hope that next time that I can pass this test with flying colors. I am praying for God to move in amazing ways over the next several days, to keep us in our place, until the next door opens. When we suffer pain and disappointment, it takes an open heart to be able to trust and learn to walk again. I am hoping that this minor fall will lead to a major flight of faith. Thank you for walking with me!
If you would like to help:
Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that you may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much. James 15:6