I won’t lie to you, the mental attacks this week have been horrendous. Every night, the Lord has spent the night showing Me the goodness of His plans and telling me not to worry. But then when I wake up, I have seen the huge impossible looking problems that are in front of me and I have found myself sinking into pain. Basically, before Friday, I need the biggest miracle that I have ever experienced. It is like walking over the highest bridge ever built and resisting the temptation to look down.
Although God has been showing me to trust Him because He will make this miracle happen, I have had a heart of trembling. It reminds me of the story of a woman who had an enormous whale pushing her around. It was completely out of character for this whale to do, but later she discovers that the whale was doing this to her, in order to protect the diver from a shark that was coming close to her. Because the diver’s life was in danger, the whale used the tumult to protect her life. Like the whale, God knows what each individual needs in order to lay down his or her life onto His Promise and see it become tangible. Sometimes for people who have been stubborn like me, it takes a little turbulence to finally let go and trust who He is.
Although God didn’t cause these attacks, He is brilliant to use them to build a perfect relationship of trust through experience. There have been many times when I was in so much agony over my circumstances that the pain was unbearable. I had this vision that in order to be suspended and held by the Word through faith, that I had to die first to the negative thoughts and emotions. The Word needed to rule over everything, both mental and circumstantial. In another vision, the Lord showed me a girl who was clinging to her promise on a rope climbing exercise. In the vision, the Holy Spirit said that she will continue to go through it until all of her fingerprints have been stripped off. This meant that His word needed to be her only confession and place of confidence.
These things were brought back to my mind when I was on the floor in tears. I was telling God that I couldn’t take it any longer. I didn’t want to live this faith story any longer and I told Him that I just wanted to die. If I can be completely honest with you, the struggle to choose hope over the pain of giving up everything has been harder this month than I have ever known. And finding out that I had deadly cancer attacking me, didn’t even bother me, because I was honestly ready for everything to be over. However, now I see things differently and I understand that my pain was self-inflicted due to my unwillingness to trust Him. Nothing bad has ever happened, it was only a shadow of fear. I repent of partnering with those toxic emotions and I unite my heart in alignment to Jesus once again.
The Lord knew exactly what I needed to travel through to be able to finally commit my heart to Him entirely. That is why I have to keep my eyes on Jesus, despite any person’s criticism about what He has asked me to walk through. It’s all about relationship and He is my best friend. The Lord has shown me His plans are so rich in His goodness that I should be rejoicing! His promises to me (and all of us) have already been given and we can partake of them now. All He is waiting for is for us to take possession of them in our minds. We need to get to the place of complete and utter surrender to His promises. His promises must rule over every emotion, over every circumstance and even over our lives that He has gifted to us.
Even though the road ahead may look impossible, if we will lay down our lives into a place of total abandonment into His promises and the trust in His goodness, we will discover that there was never anything to dread. One day He told me that what He really wants me to do is bring back my “mind space” to perfect alignment with His Kingdom. That means surrendering all doubt, fear, and worry into His care. It also means spreading into those promises as a permanent home mentally and not eating with the swine anymore.
God has gone before us to prepare everything that we need. All we have to do is follow Jesus and trust while taking captive every negative thought and emotion. God knew where you would be right now and He knows exactly what you need to get through this. So my prayer is that every anxiety would melt into His arms and that your heart (and mine!) would settle into that place of ultimate trust.
It is that place of total surrender, where we see the manifestation of each and every promise that He has made to us. I hope that this heartfelt confession is a blessing to you and I am very eager to share with you the miracles that will happen for us this weekend, as God lifts us over these challenges of intimidation. May our hearts dive deeper into the resting place of ultimate trust in Jesus.
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