This is a very honest post…
Throughout the week, the Lord kept speaking to me about answering my prayers. In many ways and with several confirmations, He was telling me that He would answer any prayer if I could believe and not doubt. He said there was nothing He would not give. The scripture that He kept giving me was Mark 11:24, “Therefore, I say to you, whatever you pray and ask for, believe that you will receive it and it will be so for you”.
So as usual, I tried to pray and believe, but the answers to what I prayed for wouldn’t come. As I sat with Holy Spirit, talking about the problem, He revealed to me that there was a broken link in my bridge of prayer and it was bitterness. The very next line about getting the answer to prayer in Mark 11:25 is, “and whenever you stand up to pray, if you have something against anyone, forgive, so that your Father in heaven can forgive you for your wrongdoings”.
As I continued to listen, the Lord was showing me that I did not trust Him to answer my prayers, therefore, I have always had doubt mingled in my prayers. In James 1, it mentions how a person who doubts cannot expect to see the answer to those prayers. Holy Spirit was ministering to my heart and I was trying to understand why I could not trust God. What was it? Then, as if He opened a valve, the pain of bitterness came spilliing out.
I began to weep in anguish and anger at what I had to suffer. I was like Job, out of the bitterness of my soul, pouring my complaint before God. I continued to think like Job, “He will not allow me to catch my breath, but fills me with bitterness”. My whole being was weeping, because there has been so much pain that has been silently hidden. There were many times, when I can honestly say that I have begged to die. I was depressed and hopeless when the pain was too much. Yet I could not stand the thought of hurting my children and I also had many promises that I cherished too much to stop believing.
It could have been so different for me. I could have went off and taken 4 or 5 jobs, but everytime that I was tempted to do that, the Lord would convict me because this was the walk that He planned for me. And to be honest, the flowers of promises that He has made me through this, are more decadent and beautiful than anything that I can imagine…breathlessly beautitful!
Even as I was trying so hard to pour out my bitterness to the Lord, He was showing me visions of sparrows and assuring me that He would continue to provide, because I am at another point of needing His rescue for the morning.
I love how God always sees the good and helps me find my way up to that elevated place of thinking. I never had anyone that I could really count on and He has been a best friend to me through this very difficult place and even through the dusty roads of my childhood.
I had to make a valid choice to leave behind the past, in order to move forward. I had to chose once and for all, that I would not hold God in judgement over the pain that I suffered. The Lord showed me that those things had happened for a reason, but that I need to be refreshed with My thinking. This is a new day that I have never been to before.
To be honest, I have walked through many bad things, but the bad things were not from God. In all honesty, Jesus was my ever-loving Hero who rescued me from the grave and the consequences of evil. So after much heart evaluation and healing, I forgave God for what I had to go through. I also forgave Him for all the disapointing times when my prayers were not answered. Ultimately, to have full faith in what I pray for, I need to have complete faith in the only One who has given me that promise.
Yes, it was a promise. A promise of answered prayer and there are no limitations to where faith can go with it. Coming to this place was nessesary for me to be able to write the next letter that He has me working on. I could not even receive the next letter, if I had the bitterness of mistrust still lurking in my heart. I pray that you will have compassion on me for the raw feelings that I have shared. Thank you for reading and for your kindness. God bless!
Love , Dannette
To send help: