How do you forgive someone when you are afraid that you might get hurt again? That was a question that I had to ask myself. The only problem was my pain and bitterness was not directed at a regular person, rather I was carrying so much pain in my soul towards God. There were many days on this journey that were difficult, but there was one day where I found myself completely crushed.
Recovering from this day was not something that I was able to do overnight. Before I share this memory with you, let me just paint a quick version of the backstory. Following Jesus into His plan for me to receive miraculous provision was a choice, a step of obedience. I had many options before me but I chose to take the hand of Jesus into mine and trust Him to be my complete security and support. I wanted to fly by faith and see the manifestation of every promise He had given to us.
I very much wanted to trust Jesus to lead me into the most amazing personal love story I had ever known. I have always been such a dreamer and one of my dreams was to know and experience the most personal and deep intentional love from God, in a way that would permanently change the outlook of my soul. I wanted to trust Jesus so deeply, that I would never have to be afraid anymore. I deeply wanted to see everything in this little world of mine fade way, when I gazed into the eyes of Jesus and beheld the love that He had for me personally. I guess that you can sum it up as my dream was…love.
So, I followed Jesus and He brought me into a time of being a person who received His generosity and love through the hands of others. Sometimes the love gifts of provision flowed freely and I did not have a worry or care. Other times, the love gifts came at the last moment, as Jesus became my loving Hero to sweep in and save the day. I had been banking up hope and faith through these positive experiences to help carry me ahead to expect and believe for the best.
Then there was a specific day that left me broken and angry at God for asking me to follow Him through such a painful day of humiliation. Here we were again, it was only an hour before we had to check out of the hotel and I was not able to scrape together enough money to cover the room. I had been working so hard to exercise my faith and believe that God was not going to fail us.
I was bound and determined that God would show up in just enough time and we wouldn’t have to be uprooted from our room again. Finally, after I realized that there was no more time, I collapsed to the hard ground of our room and crumpled into agonizing tears with my face pressed against the floor. I was crying out from the pit of my being, ‘Why are you doing this to me? Don’t you love me? Why did you ask me to go through this?’…ugh, the pain was simply too much to take any longer.
By this point, I was angry and we quickly packed up and left our room. We sat there in the lobby, wearing the humiliation of desperately poor people with no place to go and no money to spend. I was so mad at God because I was expecting something different that day. My hopes were crushed and broken. Some time went by and I eventually gave up on waiting on God. I reached out to a person who had shown compassion on us before and I asked him if He could send us money to get back into a room at the hotel. I was so thankful that he agreed to help and he also did not delay.
Later that night, a big relief came and God sent us money to cover several nights plus extra money for food, soap, and other basic needs. Life went on and we had several more encounters of seeing God dazzle us with His majestic moves and provisional love. It wasn’t that God didn’t show up during the painful time, it’s just that sometimes God wants us to walk it out and follow the trail that He leaves to get to the treasure. God put this person in my heart to reach out to and God also put it in this person’s heart to help us. Not one sparrow falls to the ground apart from the Heavenly Father’s will.
I was walking ahead with a limp because there was part of my heart that I withheld from God. I stood at a distance, afraid of what else He would ask me to go through. Jesus knew the fears of suffering this way again that I had and He knew the fears that I had to trust Him. So like always, He began to sing His love letters over my heart. He gave me promises to announce that I will not have to repeat that same experience and that things are different this time. He told me that I was being promoted, as far as faith receiving goes and I would start to tap into more abundant provision, as the days of our humble beginnings came to an end. It was at this time, that I had to ask myself this question of how to forgive God for what He asked me to walk through.
Even in that moment of decision, I still had a dream of God’s love for me and being able to tell the world about His intentionalities, as one of His precious sparrows that He has cared for. If I can be completely honest with you, even as I write this blog, I am processing letting go. God has shown me that He will provide for all of our needs, and yet I have been fighting off the fear of suffering the same pains again. I still have to trust God by faith to send us provision and the worst fear I have is repeating the pain of the past season at this hotel.
Yet because the Lord gave me a personal promise, I am finally letting go of the torn pieces of yesterday that I have been carrying. When I wrote this memory, my tears blurred my eyes from being able to see the letters on my computer screen. Even now, there is healing taking place to be able to trust God with the next big thing. His promises are the lightning bolts that light up the darkness when I am afraid. A promise from God is our tangible right to trust Him because we know that it is impossible for God to lie. When God gives us a promise, it is like He sent a cash deposit to our bank account and we only need to expect and wait until it is seen.
God has given many of you personal promises and prophetic words about what to expect. He has given you blueprints of promise so that you are able to see in the dark and trust Him to lead you safely ahead. But yet there are some who are still struggling to move into the new blessings that God is saying that we can have now because there is a part of the pain of the last season that we are still holding onto.
I sense the Holy Spirit asking us to let go of the pain of what happened and to forgive. If we will have the courage to walk ahead, beyond the fear of suffering, then there are abundant blessings that are about to manifest. You will see that this is an entirely new time for you and God will do superabundantly more than your best thoughts and highest prayers. So please, let go of any past pain that you may be carrying and receive the new rewards of your faith. This is a new day. This is a promotion. 🙂
“but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead. I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 3:12
To send an instant love gift:
By mail at:
2885 Sanford Ave SW
Grandville, MI 49418