You, beloved, are worth so much more than a whole flock of sparrows. God knows everything about you, even the number of hairs on your head. So do not fear. ~ Mathew 10:30-31
I remember walking out to the parking lot of the hotel and I was mesmerized by the sight before my eyes. There was a light dusting of snow on the ground and traced all through the snow were little tracks from sparrows feet. As I stood there unsure of why this scene was so captivating to me, I sensed that the Lord was saying “I am with you, watch how I provide for you in many, tiny little ways. Follow My tracks when the fear comes and remember what I promised you. My eye is on the sparrow and so much more do I watch over you”. That day marked a new chapter of meeting the loving provision of the Lord in the small details of each passing day. Around every corner and at all times, He was speaking to me through signs.
When God shows me sparrows, for instance, I know that it is a sign that He will provide. When I find random pennies or other coins in strange places, He tells me that there is money on the way to cover my needs. There are other small symbols and numbers that He has developed with me to remind me of His active presence every passing day. It is so loving the way that God goes out of His way to show me that I am never alone. Staying in a hotel like this goes against the grain of what is commonly expected and it is a complete surrender of trustful obedience to the calling of the Lord. It has also been a very uncomfortable place to be that defies the logical means of survival. Sometimes to rest in a promise takes more strength than to work out a solution for ourselves. It is a place of active rest, as we practice laying up every worry and fear to God in prayer.
Our Christmas this year was unlike anything ever before. There were no big celebrations. I gave each of my children a few small gifts and we were content with what God had given us. We mostly spent the time in an empty hotel alone. I was so completely thankful that we were in a warm and safe shelter away from the frigid cold. Yet it was not an easy day for me at all. For much of the day, I was in heavy prayer and fretting over how to cover the next mornings stay. The intensity of fear was on the rise, as the I looked outside the window and saw the cold frost covering the cars in the parking lot. The thought of being stuck out there with my children terrified me. On Christmas night, I actually cried myself to sleep, crying out to God to send the help of His promises to take care of us. The next morning, I felt led to open myself up and share our Paypal link online to my social media friends. With much relief, we were given enough to cover our room and eat that next day.
There was another night very similar and I was in anguish of soul all night long. I had tossed and turned, crying deep cries to God to send me the money for our room. It was traumatizing to consider having to repeat the memories of when we had to uproot and check out of the room and how humiliating it was to wait in the lobby for money to come with what few belongings that we had all heaped up. Even now, remembering back to the pain that those experiences caused me, blurs my typing with tears. However, those days were in the past and God has assured me that things are different this time. Still, it is a battle not to base my faith on what happened before.
During that restless night, I remember dozing off to sleep for 30 minutes. As I slept, I had an encounter with the Lord. He gave me a word of knowledge to tell me that the money for our room would be coming from a Hispanic man. That next morning, when I went down to breakfast, a Hispanic man handed me the money that I needed for the room as a gift, just as the Lord had revealed beforehand. Holy Spirit was with me through the tumult of the waves of fear and He was gracious to give me such peace of mind through such a profound personal description.
To be honest, I have had so many nights before our room payment was due, when I allowed the fear of not having money to torment me. One morning, after such a night the answer came in an unexplainable way. I simply woke up and checked my bank account and there was money added in my account to cover everything that we needed, with no reasonable explanation. One common battle that comes with going through a financial trust fall is the fear of spending money. There was a specific day I had been praying to treat myself to a special dinner. I was so scared to misuse the money provided in any way, but the Lord wanted me to relax and let myself breathe a little bit. Before I even ended my prayer, I received an email notification that said: “treat yourself”. There were other times when God showed up in even the littlest things.
It was as if, He was the quiet moments between my heartbeats and the pause in every footstep.
When I wanted to buy something small at the store. I was praying that God would replace the money that I spent on the item, as I walked to the store. Holy Spirit kept showing me pennies all along the dirt path that I walked on as a sign of provision. By the time I reached the front door of the store, a donation was received in my account to cover what I needed. In another experience, one of my daughter’s was having a hard week and I really wanted to do something special to shower her with attention. I was praying that I would be able to take her out to dinner. As I was praying, I was tagged online in a post that said: “the provision has already been given”. Then within seconds, I received a blessing of money to pay for our meal. On the way to the restaurant, the car in front of us had the decor of sparrow tracks on the hatch. It was 27 degrees (27 meaning to me, beloved, deeply loved) and sparrows were flying around us. I believe that God knows and cares about every detail that concerns us, even the smallest ones!
Before ever taking this journey with the Lord, He knew that I was going to need so much help from Him to get through it. God is everywhere and involved in every single detail of each day. It is truly amazing the depths that God goes to calm every fear and need. Just last night, I was in that same sorrowful place again. I was laying in bed praying and crying so desperately. Tears were running down my face and I was terrified once again of not receiving what God promised me to pay for our room. I didn’t know how to get money for the next morning and I was begging God to bring an end to this faith testing, it was exhausting at that moment.
Then I heard Him say to me, “Don’t worry about tomorrow”. I remembered that He wrote me a love letter with that title and I pulled it up on my phone to read it. As I read this love letter, I had an instant calm to the raging fires within (fear is such a liar!). The cool and calming effects of reading His word brought me back into a place of soulful rest. I gave my problem to God and went to sleep. As I was sleeping, the money that we needed was given through a donation and once again God had saved me from the outcome of every fear (false evidence appearing real).
I think that God chose me for this assignment because it has been such an area of weakness in the past. To stay in a hotel also goes against a logical solution financially. It reminds me of how God downsized Gideon’s army to show His Sovereign Power over the opposition, making the “impossible as possible”. Our weakness is the perfect place for His power to manifest. Even after 5 months of seeing God make miracles for me, I still sometimes find myself in that place of soul distress.
Even now, I have been trying to give God the fears that are coming at me about how I will cover tomorrow morning’s stay. The Lord has been sending me constant signs and His efforts of showing me continuous love never seem to grow tired. Even in every passing thought, He is actively moving. I leap for joy every time I see a sparrow or a penning or the special numbers He has given me. It is like God is saying “Come close, I am with you”. He is so involved in the changing of our hearts to discover His overwhelming love and He loves to build new experiences that are good to overcome every memory of bad.
Sure, I could have chosen to go my own way, get a normal job and find us a secure little place to live, but God wanted to help set me from every fear by encountering His all provisional love. In helping me discover His intentional love, He has been helping many through the writings on this blog. This is His story for me and who I am not to trust His plan, whether or not it seems to make sense? I am so thankful that I said yes, because it is along this broken road, that I am encountering such a deep and pursuing love to share about. Jesus never gets upset with me, when I find myself in that restless place of crying out from fear. Not one bit. Instead, He comes and calms me with His love and speaks gentle promises over my heart over and over again. I don’t think that I will ever regret one moment of my suffering when I look back to see just how beautifully God always shows up….everywhere and at all times. He is with us as Emmanuel.
You know when I leave and when I get back;
I’m never out of your sight.
You know everything I’m going to say
before I start the first sentence.
I look behind me and you’re there,
then up ahead and you’re there, too—
your reassuring presence, coming and going.
This is too much, too wonderful—
I can’t take it all in!
Is there anyplace I can go to avoid your Spirit?
to be out of your sight?
Psalm 139 MSG
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